Sebhar's Stuff

Good morning, how are you?

2008-06-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

"...I'm Dr. Worm." -- TMBG

I have done very little but sit on my butt all day.

Yesterday I made a huge long car ride, played with a picture frame, watched part of a terrible movie, snuggled, and fell asleep.

I've been thinking: if you don't read Wil Wheaton's blog, you should. Of course, bajillions of people do, and about one person reads mine... but here's a link: http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/wwdnbackup/
And it's good.

Potential Poetry

2008-04-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

[Untitled 1]
Can't sleep;
the cold scent
of my lover
still haunts
the sheets

[Untitled 2]
Listening to
Radiohead and
Morrissey and the
Strokes.
Ohsointrospective.

[Untitled 3]
Etching my confession
of love
into the paint of a
bathroom stall

Self-examination

2008-04-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

So, today, I got done with my daily shower and looked at my partially-clad self in the mirror. I thought, "Man, I wish I could start new things before finishing the old ones."

I decided I could write a long, introspective, deep, intellectual blog post about that thought. And then I thought that no matter how many other things I could think of that I wish I could start anew before finishing an old attempt, I would always look back on the post and remember that that thought entered my head because I bought a stick of deodorant I am really excited about, but my old deodorant isn't empty yet.

[Untitled]

2008-04-03T19:16:00.001-07:00

To get away from you,
I head to the bathroom.
I think to myself, I am quirky,
as I look down at my matching socks and underpants,
both pink, like the bathroom floor.
Spots of anger flame on my cheeks
And I'm too stubborn to come crawling back this time
And I hope I don't do anything stupid
And I think, more and more, that I wouldn't love you if I had the choice
And I think, more and more
And I think, more and more
And I conclude that you're right.
You don't deserve me.

Wasting Time (as per usual)

2008-04-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Bob Dylan - The Times They Are A-Changin'
Movie: I'm Not There. Is there anywhere acting finer than in this film? Is it one of the most beautiful I've ever seen on the big screen? Yes. Yes indeed.
Food: Nothing. My stomach is rumble-empty.
Book: Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin. Of this, I am a fan. Wow. Vaguely reminiscent of Catcher in the Rye... except I think Holden is a bit less of a douchebag than David is. Holden just has no direction; David actively (albeit unconsciously) ruins people.

Spring is a time of year during which I cannot breathe. If I owned the world, I would make everyone else walk around trying to breathe through straws. Also, if I owned the world, smokers would be shot for making my respirations more difficult.

Fun Fact About College: I had three weeks to prepare for a presentation I put together last night and gave today. Basically I stood in front of my class for three minutes and talked about Rush... for Greek Mythology.

"To write poetry is not to be a poet. To live poetry, to constantly breathe and feel and excrete it - that is to be a poet." -- Hannah Kane

Music Sweet Music

2008-03-23T09:14:00.001-07:00

I've ripped three albums (my dad's CDs) onto my computer this morning:
Devo - Oh No, It's Devo!
the Rolling Stones - Hot Rocks 1964-1971
Everlast - Whitey Ford Sings the Blues
...I think these are the three most different artists ever. Well, at least, three of them. And that's why I love my taste in music.

...also I think I might have multiple personality disorder. That's what it's called when you're perfectly fine one moment, a total superbitch the next, and then perfectly fine again, right?

2008-03-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

An Attempt to Understand a Current Pop Song's Appeal
Annotated are places where my comments come in. The comments are listed numerically at the bottom of the note.

Its poppin (x4)
What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know [1]

They say my lip gloss is cool
My lip gloss be poppin [2]
I'm standing at my locker
And all the boys keep stoppin

What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know

They say my lip gloss is poppin
My lip gloss is cool
All the boys be jockin [3]
They chase me after school

Mac Mac, Loreal [3.5] yep cause I'm worth it
Love the way I puts it on so perfect
Wipe the corners of my mouth so I work it
When I walk down the hallway they cant say nothin
Oh oh oh my lips so luscious
The way I spice it up with the Mac Mac brushes
Loreal got them most watermelon crushes
That's probably the reason all these boys got crushes [4]

What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know [5]

They say my lip gloss is cool
My lip gloss be poppin
I'm standing at my locker
And all the boys keep stoppin

What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know

They say my lip gloss is poppin
My lip gloss is cool
All the boys keep jockin
They chase me after school
When its time for lunch my lips still rock
Lil mama melon with the hot pink top
Cherry, vanilla, flavors its a virtue
They, lovin, lip gloss universal
The boys really like it
The girls don't speak
They rolling they eyes
They lip gloss cheap
It ain't my fault
But I could upgrade you
Show you how to use nice things with nice flavors

What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know [6]

They say my lip gloss is cool
My lip gloss be poppin
I'm standing at my locker
And all the boys keep stoppin
What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know
They say my lip gloss is poppin
My lip gloss is cool
All the boys keep jockin
They chase me after school

Cause myyyyyy
Lip glosssss
Its poppin (x4)
Cause myyyyyy
Lip glosssss
Its poppin (x4)

No Music [Clap x4]

Oh, Who you know spit it hard to a hand clap
She ain't whack
So I tell a corny n***a hand dat
To a record label while I get my hair wrapped
Then I let it fall under my New York Yankee cap
Anybody that know better
That got chedda
Bet go getta
Cuz ya already know I'm where its at
And if Im rollin Im ridin
I got my homies beside me
I tell Ben drop me off he like
Where its at
I gets it poppin
Im droppin
Ya'll know I dont play
And know my swag is official to what my flow say
And any club that's poppin my record gon play
Rest in peace to Haze and Lil Zay Zay

No Music [Clap x4]

Sittin in 8th period thought I was in trouble
Dean called me on the loud speaker on the double
I stepped in her office like yes, Ms McClarkson
She like girl ran out of my lip gloss andwrite down where you get yours from
Cause I must admit that bubblegum
Its poppin Its poppin Its poppin
She ain't frontin and uh
I be lovin it
I be I be lovin itand uh I be usin it I be I be usin it
and uh I be rubbin it I be I be rubbin it
On my lips my lips, uh my lip gloss

What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know

They say my lip gloss is cool
My lip gloss be poppin
I'm standing at my locker
And all the boys keep stoppin

What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know [7]

They say my lip gloss is poppin
My lip gloss is cool
All the boys keep jockin
They chase me after school

My Comments:
1. So far, I don’t know anything about you, except that you have awful, awful conceptions of grammar.
2. Ouch! Girlfriend, that sounds P-A-I-N-F-U-L.
3. Jockin? Do we perhaps mean jockeying? Or simply being jocks?
3.5. Loreal makes lip glos? Man, I am out of touch with the middle school world.
4. Hmm… boys have scary obsessions with lip gloss wherever Li’l Mama or whatever her name is, is from.
5. Well, now we know that you have, to some degree, a screwed-up self-image. In one verse you discuss how you’re “worth it” and then in the next breath think boys like you only for your lip gloss. We’ll see how this pans out.
6. …you need a new hobby. That’s what I know now.
7. I know that you need to work on concision. Repetition is only effective up to a point, and you assraped that point with a giant tube of lip gloss.

"I can be myself, how 'bout you?"

2008-03-06T20:10:00.000-08:00

Song: Fire Escape
Artist: Fastball

Well I don't wanna be President
Superman or Clark Kent
I don't wanna walk 'round in their shoes

'Cause I don't know who's side I'm on
I don't know my right from wrong
I don't know where I'm going to
I don't know about you

I'll be the rain falling on your fire escape
And I may not be the man you want me to
I can be myself, how 'bout you?

I don't wanna make you mad
I don't wanna meet your dad
I don't wanna be your dream come true

'Cause I don't know just what I've found
I don't know my sky from ground
I don't know where I'm going to
I don't know about you

I'll be the rain falling on your fire escape
And I may not be the man you want me to
I can be myself, how 'bout you?

I'll be the rain falling on your fire escape
And I may not be the man you want me to
I can be myself, how 'bout you?
I can be myself, how 'bout you?
I can be myself
How 'bout you?

Dead.

2008-02-17T09:32:00.001-08:00

So my computer is dead.
It's on its way to Texas to get fixed.
...it's not really dead, just in need of some hardware repair - the screen kept freaking out.
So here we are.
Computers are going to need to be borrowed, so...
...expect less frequent checks and updates and fun stuff like that.

Dependable.

2008-02-11T16:20:00.000-08:00

A few things for today:
http://www.nipponcinema.com/images/screencap/after_life9.jpg

Song: Metal Heart
Artist: Garbage
Least sucky fanvid I could find: http://youtube.com/watch?v=y_olqevPK3Y

I wish I had a metal heart
I could cross the line
I wish that I was half as good
As you think I am

But now that we know for sure they're telling lies when they say
No one gets hurt and therefore nobody dies
You know it's hard to believe anything that you hear
They say the world is round

Wish I was as big as you
You'd have to tell the truth
I'd be nothing you could hurt
Nothing you could use

But now that we know for sure they're telling lies when they say
No one gets hurt and therefore nobody dies
You know it's hard to believe anything that you hear
They say the world is round
The world is round?

I want to be dependable, I want to be courageous and good
I want to be faithful so that I can be heroic and true
I want to be a friend you can rely on you can lean on and trust
I want to understand so I can forgive and be willing to love

I wish I wasn't flesh and blood
I would not be scared
Of bullets built with me in mind
For then I could be saved
My sweet lord take care of me for I think I'm done
Kiss my mother on her cheek and lay my burden down

But now that we know for sure they're telling lies when they say
No one gets hurt and therefore nobody dies
You know it's hard to believe anything that you hear
They say the world is round
The world is round

There's a purr of a pigeon to break the still of day.

2008-02-08T10:13:00.000-08:00

Title quote from "Of Angels and Angles" by the Decemberists.
Colin Meloy is probably God.

Fact: I am eating ramen out of a plastic cup from a fast-food place.
...with a fork pilfered from the dining hall.

Fact: I have a shitload - yep, a shitload - of reading to do for next week. I'm almost done with the reading I should have had done yesterday...

Fact: The weather is awful. Well, not anymore... the weather was awful a few days ago. Now the bus stops are encrusted with ice (still), the roads are sandy slush (because for some reason they didn't put salt down...) and everything is still slick.
Sub-fact: This made the bus late, which made me late. I hate being late.

Fact: Karl Rove is coming to town to speak. Anyone who wants to help me boo him offstage and possibly throw feces, be sure to look it up and get over there.

Mad World

2008-02-07T16:40:00.001-08:00

My roommate has bronchitis. She had to go to the hospital the day before yesterday after nearly fainting in the next building over... they called an ambulance because she couldn't walk and none of us have cars. One ambulance ride later, she was in the ER with a fluid IV - she was dehydrated. Ben and I took the Red Route over to the hospital and waited for a very long time while Steve Irwin talked about bird-eating spiders on TV and I attempted to read my assignments for today (which still aren't read...)

Meanwhile, Shawn went to Student Health and waited around for an appointment. His chest had been hurting him. After awhile, he saw a doctor and was informed that his lung had partially collapsed. Now Shawn had to walk to the hospital - where the rest of the gang was gathered - for x-rays, in some seriously chilly weather. It's slippery and wet outside; here's Shawn, trudging through the snow, getting lost because Student Health and the hospital are on the opposite side of the river from where we live.

Enter Peter, who comes to the rescue like a knight in shining armour. Jess is still weak, and we don't know when the next bus comes anyway. She needs Motrin, Tylenol, soup, and fruit juice... but the bus doesn't go to the store and she probably shouldn't be shopping with us, anyway.

Jess finally heals, to a degree. She's not going to class for the rest of the week. Shawn's collapsed alveoli did not prevent him from going to any classes, though he is on codeine, lucky bastard.

Guy Forsyth - Long Long Time

2008-02-05T18:26:00.000-08:00

Its been a long, long , long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time
Its been a long, long , long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time

When I was a kid I used to draw airplanes with stars and bars shooting down,
Airplanes adorned with hammers and sickles.
I bought a hundred water guns so I could save the world,
Saving my lunch money, and stealing my father’s quarters, dimes and nickels.
I discovered religion watching Luke Skywalker rescue Princess Leia
And destroying the Death Star by letting go and closing his eyes.
And I devoured comic books, three-color mythologies
Taught me right from wrong and if you believed, you could fly.

It's been a long, long , long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time
It's been a long, long , long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time

I remember listening to songs about trains and feeling the rush of wonder
That the world was both infinite and accessible all at the same time.
Then it was songs about highways, and Born To Be Wild and Little Red Corvette
And the road went on forever in my mind.
But now it's clogged bumper-to-bumper with stinking SUVs and two-story pickup trucks
That can drive over anything but the two-story pickup truck right in front of it.
Now even the highways look the same, Starbucks
And 7-11s and Wal-Marts jam the feeder roads.
We don’t live around this mess, we live under it.

It's been a long, long , long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time
It's been a long, long , long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time
Since I felt fine

Now all the songs are about gangsters and guns
And the TV speeds by at a hundred deaths an hour
And everyone wants to pull off the crime of the century.
Steal 200 gazillion dollars, enough to buy myself island
And build a real honest-to-God train on it for no one but me.
And get away with it, get away with it.
We Americans are freedom-loving people and
Nothing says freedom like getting away with it.
We went from Billy The Kid to Richard Nixon, Enron, Exxon, OJ Simpson.
We used to dream about heroes but now it's just how to beat the system.
So where do we go to dream now?
Up on the roof of the projects, straining through the city lights
To see if they’ve built golden arches on the moon yet.
Self-medicated, half-sedated, trying our best to stay distracted,
Living life according to the TV set.
Corporations owning nations, telling us don’t change the station,
It’s the only safe way to win the human race.
I wonder how the world sees us, rich beyond compare, powerful without equal?
A spoiled 15 year old waving a gun in their face?

It's been a long, long , long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time
It's been a long, long , long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time
It's been a long, long , long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time
It's been a long, long , long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time
It's been a long, long , long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time
Since I felt fine.

Resolute.

2008-01-02T08:48:00.000-08:00

This year...
I'm going to be less of a slut.
In fact, I'm going to not be a slut at all. Score.
I'm going to be less of a douchebag and start treating others like they want
deserve
to be treated.
I'm done biting my fingernails. Starting right now.
I'm going to wear my retainer, dammit.
I'm also going to study and get better than B's.
Self-delusion is out the window.
The drama queen shit is also gone.
No more destroying what's good in my life just to have something happen.
Also, no more stupid risks.

[Poetry is truly the only way to express one's new year's resolutions.]

Things I've Done So Far This Year

2008-01-01T07:46:00.000-08:00

Made a resolution to be less of a freaky psycho asshole jerk lady.
Fallen asleep at Andrew's house with a kitty on my tummy. Awwww.
Gotten a ride home from Dan.
Slept.
Facebooked.
Deleted text messages off my phone.
Drank Diet Coke.

"...then it might be easy..."

2007-12-30T07:45:00.000-08:00

Song: I Wish I Felt Nothing
Artist: the Wallflowers
Some Shitty Fanvid: http://youtube.com/watch?v=0dix-PyMyDk

Say when you're alone
It's better 'cause nobody knows you
When no one's your friend
It's better 'cause nobody leaves you
So you turned your back
On a world that you could never have
'Cause your heart's been cracked
And everyone else's is goin' mad

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you

Now all of these people
Come up from deep holes, pullin' you down
And it's just no use
When all the abuse follows you down
By the morning you've gone
Leavin' me here all alone
Sayin' it's no mystery
I know that nobody here needs me

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you

And I know you believe
That you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you
Like it is for you
Like it is for you
--------------------------------------------------
I thought about killing myself for the first time in a long time.

Today, I woke up at about 4 a.m. with such a bad pain in my back that it hurt to breathe. After holding my breath as much as possible for a few minutes, the ache subsided enough for me to situate a heating pad under me. A little later, the tension had ebbed enough for me to realize how hungry I was. I went downstairs, made myself some oatmeal, and ate it while watching part of “About Last Night…”. I tried sleeping on the couch; it didn’t work. I just couldn’t get comfortable, and the pain was back – not as sharp, but there. I tried bed again. Still couldn’t get back to sleep. I watched the sun rise over snowy rooftops through my bedroom window as I laid there, the heat on my back. I put on the Pogues and did a little musical background research. I thought how good a bath would feel…

…then the shit hit the fan.

Looking back, I don’t know what happened, exactly. My parents were mad, but I didn’t know about what – I figured it was the oatmeal bowl I’d left on the side table. So I picked it up, went to take care of it, and was suddenly being yelled at for walking away while they were talking to me. Now they were mad at me for not taking any medicine for my pain. I bit back a remark about how maybe Mom should have just put on a Band-Aid when she broke her leg, took some shit about how my college education was being funded (where that came from, I’ll never know), e-mailed myself some music off the downstairs computer, and came up here to write.

Write, and cry.

But on the way up, I had that vision, the way I used to back before I got some help. Just my arm, white like the fiberglass of the bathtub, then slowly the red line, gradually opening, becoming a slit, blood blooming out like red smoke or roses, the arm getting paler, my vision fading to black, just around the edges at first. And in the beginning it hurts, but by the end I just don’t feel anything.

I need school to be back in session.

Home again, home again, bloggity-blog

2007-12-23T21:19:00.001-08:00

Song: Orchid
Artist: Oppenheimer
Note: Transcribed by yours truly, so there are some probable inaccuracies; however, the lyrics are nowhere online (I'm just that indie, or something).

Here, I stood and stared
Through the shop window
Through a floating glare
Your reflection shimmered
Among the flowers
Like silent gulls (haha, that's probably way wrong)
Are they even ours?

I don't even recognise myself anymore.

I'm running away; I'm lost under a spell
Where we go from here, I can't even tell.

So, what happened to me?
You held my hand as if you knew me.
You're tough as fuck and so, so pretty
An orchid living in the city.

I'm running away; I'm lost under a spell
Where we go from here, I can't tell.

Your kisses leave no traces that can be seen
Just like the hands of fate as they deliver you to me
And no matter what you do or do not really believe
I just can't close my eyes to what is happening between us.

Okay, moving on. Home is boring. My back hurts. For some reason I am unequivocally tired, hungry, and bored. I've seen five friends since coming home, and four of them were accidents. Ohwell. New webcomics are up, so I'm-a head. Bye.

Life Update.

2007-12-16T02:46:00.000-08:00

I'm starting a new alter-ego. This excites me. Fresh possibility, or something to that effect.
I'm home. I'm not complaining. Seeing old friends can be good to an extent.
Hanging out tomorrow.. well, I suppose, later today.. might be fun.
Finals in three days. Not fun. In the slightest.
Paul Dano = le win.

Ever feel like a worker bee?

2007-12-10T10:11:00.000-08:00

To do:
1. Paper - a bs'ed rough draft and a final draft, which will both be basically the same thing - due Wednesday.
2. Speech - to be given Wednesday.
3. Five chapters of reading from my soc book.
4. One article - only forty pages.
5. Sociology paper - due Friday.
6. Sociology group evaluation - due Friday.
7. Housing application for next year. Egad.
8. SCHOLARSHIPSSCHOLARSHIPSSCHOLARSHIPS!
9. Watch a film from a lecture I missed. Gaah.
10. STUDY. Finals are next week.

Someday, I want to be the queen.

On top of the workload, my nose is running uncontrollably, my head is stuffy, and my abdomen is weirdly cramped - which is better than yesterday, when I couldn't be parted from the restroom for long periods of time. I'm nearly out of money, as per usual; there's a dollar bill in my wallet, is all. My skin is dry. I'm going home this weekend...

/end whining

Well well well.

2007-12-01T03:51:00.001-08:00

We meet again, o Blog.
It is nearly 6 a.m. (at the beginning of this writing). I have been putting off blogging all night/morning, using Facebook, MySpace, and Questionable Content. I also made a list of bands I need to add to my list. Erlack.
What a crazy night. Not even crazy. Just: WHERE DID IT GO?!?!?!

My roommate donated plasma for the second time this week. She then walked to the mall to meet my mom - who was in town visiting - and me, in the bitter cold. We hung out for a bit in Best Buy (this consisted of me being an indie-snob and having to be physically forced to not smash every Fergie CD in the place while bitching about which albums I had on vinyl and which I'd purchased for less than five dollars as opposed to Best Buy's asking price of WAY TOOO FUCKING MUCH) before she collapsed, with no colour in her face. My mom went for the car, we found an employee to get her some water, and eventually we hit IHOP. (It should be noted that they no longer "except" checks. What is the world coming to that such signs get posted?) Pumpkin pancakes, eggs over-easy, and hash browns later, my mom and my much-perkier roommate and I returned to le dorm.

10:30 p.m. I decide it's naptime. During said nap I have a dream involving my mouth and the nether regions of one of my exes. After I wake up, I read some QC for awhile. Gradually, everyone else in the room falls asleep. It's getting later now, approaching 2:30 and such. My "other roommate", a good friend from upstairs, comes to visit and chat about his party escapades of the night/how everybody is probably at least bicurious/things we have to do in the morning. He leaves. I'm IMing a few friends; I get propositioned twice and have to deflect two attempts to hook me up with friends-of-friends. Eventually I give up and crawl into bed, but the rather erotic dream from earlier keeps disturbing me. So I call said ex in an attempt to talk to him about it and perhaps resolve whatever issue it represents. As per usual, he is unhelpful and barely responsive (though, to his credit, it's now well past four). My mother, laying awake on the couch, hears the full details of the dream as relayed to the owner of the penis in it. Great. As I'm drifting off, she notes that there's a huge storm coming in and that she'd better get home; can I help her take stuff down to the car? Sure, Mom. No problem. I was FINALLY getting to sleep, but sure, I'll get out of bed and stuff. It's not like girls who accidentally dream about blowjobs deserve sleep.

Since then, I've been reading QC and unable to sleep. Also, brainstorming more obscure bands to add to the gigantic list at http://www.freewebs.com/sebhar/music.htm . And, last but not least, wishing my significant other would get online and somehow offer comfort through IM. However, as he has somewhere to be at 7:20, I can hardly lament the fact that he's asleep.

Now: the night has been blogged. The band list is in need of expansion. I have Diet Coke and I'm not afraid to use it. All-nighter and ensuing headache, here I come.

2007-11-27T16:40:00.000-08:00

You don't know how it feels
How the flush on my cheeks
burns inside me, too,
Every time you pass me in the street.

Each time I see you, I think
of your dick, unwelcome within me
waiting until I slept to violate
No permission
You didn't respect me enough to ask

At first, I tried to convince myself
it was only a dream
but your seed on my skin
Told a sadder story

In class, you wouldn't meet my eye
Could you not stand the pain there?
The disbelief?
That says to me, you knew what you did
was Wrong.

So now
Every time I see you,
I want to pull those stupid buds out of your ears
And scream in your face what a bastard you are
I want to tell them all what you did to me
And how it still burns inside
How scared alone violated angry hateful I was,
and still am
But I don't.

Self-Description through Facebook Groups

2007-11-20T22:26:00.000-08:00

I don't care how comfortable Crocs are, you look like a dumbass.
I am fluent in sarcasm.
Why yes, I do frequently burst out in song.
I stay up late and don't do anything productive.
It's not my fault what you said can be misconstrued as a sexual innuendo.
I don't smoke. There are cooler ways to die.
Awkward moments define my life.
Kids who hid in department store clothing racks while their mom was shopping.
I love naps.
And WHY can't my life be a musical?
Good grammar is hot.
The word "gay" is not a synonym for "stupid".
Against gay marriage? Then don't get one and shut the fuck up.
You know you're from Wisconsin if...
Reading is sexy.
Musicians make better lovers.
Minnesoooooooooootan accents kick ass. So suck it!
If cheerleading is a sport, then by golly so is marching band!
I'm glad Pluto's no longer a planet; it makes Gustav Holst's suite complete.
All the cool kids are Irish.
Finishing Harry Potter 7 is like destroying the 7th Horcrux of my childhood.
I go out of my way to step on a leaf that is particularly crunchy.
The floor is made of lava.
99.8% of teens do drugs... join this group if you like bagels.
All of you people who sing in the shower, ROCK ON!
Cat + toast = anti-gravity.
I fucking hate the animated talking paperclip from Microsoft. Fuck you, clip!
Lecture napping appreciation society
I am an organ donor!
Rest in peace, Robert Jordan.
A group solely for German-Irish people.
I heart old movies!
Can't stand cigarette smoke smell.
FADD (Friends Against Drinking and Driving)
I like to stay up late and laugh at the most un-funny things.
If it wasn't for Facebook, I wouldn't know your birthday.
All arguments can, and should, be solved by Rock Paper Scissors.
Band geeks, choir nerds and drama dorks.
Girls who have great boyfriends who treat them right.
Give yourself over to absolute pleasure (Rocky Horror Fans)
Curling
The squirrels around my campus are insane and delightfully entertaining.
Fuck water fountains... it's called a bubbler.
Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Ewan McGregor: a very strange, enchanted boy.
Bangerang Rufio!
Eric Whitacre gives me chordgasms.
Why yes, I do frequently burst out in movie quotes!
You're not an Eskimo... don't fuckin' wear Uggs!
It's my job to keep punk rock elite.
Peace.
I can't do homework unless it's due tomorrow.
For those who love weekends!
Fuck tan people, we're pale and happy!
Someone close to me has, has died from, is beating, or has survived cancer.
I hate it when the bottoms of my pants get wet.
Create laws to control outsourcing.
I'd much rather be naked!
Did you know chapstick had directions?
David Gilmour's guitar tone: so heavenly, angels are jealous.
You know you're screwed when the paperclip from Word starts yawning.
I really hate it when people don't understand my sarcasm.
Knowledge is power: fight the genocide.
Sometimes you just gotta be like "fuck this shit".
Iowa > Iowa State.
Bass guitar players.
Detention in the dungeons: for those in love with Sexy Severus Snape.
My music addiction makes me happy.
A group for people who hate everything except for the things they like.
All problems in Congress can easily be solved with an impromptu dance-off.
I have a "this one time at band camp" story.
I walk through the grass because the sidewalks take too long.
A bald Natalie Portman is hotter than a normal Kiera Knightley.
I got a jar of dirt! I got a jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it!?
Iowa - the Hawkeye State
Appreciate your inner nerd... it makes life more fun!
I <3 International Music Camp.
I hate binary gender, like a lot.
Kane is the greatest last name.
Brown-eyed babes
How many trombone players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Getting caught in the rain...
ROWSDOWER!!!
FFFFotC (Friends, Fans, and aFiccionados of Flight of the Conchords)
Control the oil crisis!
It's great if you don't want to be a party, but don't be a twat about it.
Disney is dirty.
Seahorses: they're doing it, and they're doing it right!
I choose (RED).
I shower... NAKED!
Every time you listen to Fall Out Boy, the gods of Rock kill a kitten.
Officious seeing-eye bitches of Heritage Touring.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Bring Futurama back.
A little less treble and a lot more BASS.
I'd let Holden Caulfield catch me in the rye any day.
Duck-billed platypus association.
People who with they would take the "is" out of the status thing.
Cheese is not a junk food, it's AWESOME!!
Cough drops... JOIN THE ALLIANCE!!!
Anti-McDonalds
Please God, give me Tim Curry's legs.
I spend my summers at Belin-Blank.
Don't deny it... you totally like to look up dirty words in the dictionary!
"I see you shiver with antici---pation" (Tim Curry)
I sing along to everything. It annoys you? Well that makes it more fun!
Scissor Sisters: bring on the glitter mascara and the rainbow disco ball!
If you do the speed limit in the fast lane, move the hell outta the way.
Green olives are truly superiour to black olives.
Black coffee drinkers of the world unite!
James and Oliver Phelps from Harry Potter.
Not all vegetarians are crazy PETA members.
Target is far superiour to Wal-Mart.
Weird people make life interesting!
For those people who have ever been asked if they were drunk/stoned.
"Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney".
I can't get those damn iPod headphones to stay in my ears!
I like people who smell like laundry detergent.
Cult of the Free Thinkers
I drive a minivan and I'm still a badass.
Sympathetic people to birds who die from hang gliding.
I'm proud of my impractical major!
I enjoy rice.
Dark chocolate kicks milk chocolate's ass!
A night on the town isn't complete without Jimmy John's!
The Citizen Kane Appreciation Group
The Lying Around Club
Cover your mouth when you cought 'cause I really don't want your germs.
Back to pen and paper.
I'd wear less black but it's so much easier to do laundry!
Coates is definitely the coolest teacher at WD.
The band geeks that are going to take over the world!
Finding old photos is scary but really cool.
I think that Chandler Lauridsen is AWESOME!!!
Jimmy Pop rocks.
We employ a lofty vernacular in an ostentatious fashion... what of it?
Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" music video impacted my formative years.
Anyone notice how "Minute Maid Lemonade" rhymes?
John Entwistle... GOD/Ox.
I eat Oreos in a strange and artistic way.
I heart the fireworks that go off when you win at Spider Solitaire.
I hate when you take a bite of pizza and all the toppings fall off.
I smell sex and candy.
Allergies are my anti-drug.
Natalie Wood sucks at kissing James Dean; I can do better.
Fuck the system.
I'm perfect just theway I am, thanks!
People with last (or first) names that are also nouns.
I kick cars that drive on pedestrian walkways.
I am related to the Holkup family.
I hate the THX noise at the beginning of movies.

Hell.

2007-11-20T18:12:00.000-08:00

"What's that book about?"
"Well, it's called I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell..."
"Oh, they do."
"Oh really?"
"It's light beer."
"Eeeeeew! *cringe*"
"It gets worse!"
"...how?"
"IT'S IN A CAN!"
"I REPENT!"

[Later]
"So, if all you can get is light beer in a can... is Iowa City actually Hell?"
"No, Ames is. There are more hicks in Ames."

...I <3 My daddy.

Home.

2007-11-19T10:16:00.000-08:00

Home is space.
Chores, and dust.

Home is a refrigerator the size of my dorm closet.
A stove, a toaster, a dishwasher.

Home is stuff,
Boxes upon boxes,
An attic and basement.

Home is loneliness.
I'm older than these kids,
Mentally, if not physically,
And what's more, they're all at school.

"Closer" -- the Hundredth Post

2007-11-16T00:40:00.001-08:00

This, the hundredth post.
Momentous, but not really;
After all, it's just a blog.

I said things,
(and he said things)
tonight,
that he will not remember we said
when he wakes up in the morning.

It feels good,
getting that off my chest.
I feel

Closer.

Quiz-bob from Sara

2007-11-14T15:03:00.000-08:00

1. When is the last time you actually hung out with your top #1 on MySpace? Far too long ago.
2. What's bothering you right now? Puffy eyes, mostly.
3. Would you share a drink with a stranger? Probably not.
4. What were your plans today? Class…
5. Wallpaper on your computer's desktop? One of my own design of Worshipful Things (i.e., John Lennon, Joe Strummer, Colin Meloy, and Diet Coke, among other things).
7. Next time you will hug someone? Most likely Saturday.
8. Where was your default picture taken? Right here.
9. Do you like messages or comments better? Depends.
11. What is the last thing you ate today? Spaghettios.
12. What are you doing this weekend? Hawkeye game, then home.
14. Who was the last person to send you a text message? Mon Cassilyn.
15. If you could have two people with you right now who would they be? Ali and Dan.
16. Listening to? “If Music Could Talk” – the Clash
17. Have you ever kissed anyone named Nick/Nicole? I don’t believe so.
18. Smelling like? Many things, few of them pleasant.
19. Eating? Not at the moment.
20. Have you hit someone today? No.
21. Do you believe in a soul mate? Yes.
22. What do you wear to bed? Whatever I fall into bed wearing.
24. Do you burn easily in the sun? Yes. Hence, I remain indoors.
25. Have you ever been gambling? No.
27. What did you do last weekend? Little of consequence.
28. What/who do you miss? Dan. My innocence. Brianna.
29. What are you going to do after this? Phone, then sleep.
32. What was the last text message you sent? To Mon Cassilyn. “Oh aye.”
33. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's/brother's friend? Eep, no, they’re wee.
34. How good is your eyesight? Uncommonly good, apparently.
36. What was the last thing you drank? Diet Coke.
37. Whose house did you go to last? I think… Kaitlin’s.
38. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My mom’s mom on her deathbed.
39. Do you like someone right now? I like many people.
41. What do you wear more: shorts, slacks, jeans, or sweatpants? Jeans.
42. What have you eaten today? Burgefood, Spaghettios.
43. Name Three Drinks You Drank Today: Water, Diet Coke, cranberry juice
44. whats the closest red thing to you? My phone.
45. What is your dream phone? Um… I don’t dream about phones.
46. Ever broken a promise? Yes.
47. What have you learned recently? I’m a sexual deviant. O.o
49. Favorite shoes? Fuzzy-striped Converse high-tops.
50. Would you ever date someone who you don't know very well? Er, no?

2007-11-13T20:10:00.000-08:00

[1.] Where was the first place you ever kissed the last person you kissed? The couch.
[2.] What's the greatest thing that happened to you today? “You’re fucking gorgeous.”
[3.] How many best friends do you have? More than I probably should.
[4.] Would you rather get up early or sleep in? Sleeeep in.
[5.] Tell me where you got each article of clothing you are wearing:
Pink Floyd pajama pants: Kohl’s
Pink Floyd Millennium t-shirt: Kohl’s
Bra: TJ Maxx
Panties: Victoria’s Secret
[6.] How many DVD's do you own? In the neighbourhood of 30.
[7.] What would you change about your life right now? Let’s not go there.
[8.] Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth? The latter.
[9.] What's on your bedroom floor right now? Bass case, clothes, shoes, book bags, lotsa stuff.
[10.] Who was the last person you got into an argument with? Peter, maybe?
[11.] Do you trust people? Not as much as I probably should.
[12.] If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to? Vancouver.
[13.] What kind of car do you drive? Submarine Machine (aka minivan)
[14.] Could you go a day without eating? I have.
[15.] How much do looks matter to you? Somewhat.
[16.] How do you feel about PDA? As a participant, I enjoy it. As an observer… there are limits.
[17.] When was the last time you had your hair cut? ‘while ago.
[18.] Would you rather be mad or sad? Neither. Let’s talk it out.
[19.] Does it take a lot to make you cry? Not remotely.
[21.] Are you tight with your mom? …now… far more than I was when I lived at home.
[23.] Do you tell your parents everything? No. They intuit a lot more than I used to give them credit for.
[24.] Would you rather be a bird or a fish? Feeshee.
[25.] Name one fear you have. Spiders.
[26.] If you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive? Walk. Slowly.
[27.] Does the thought of marriage scare you? More intimidates me.
[28.] How many kids do you want? If any… well, I’m not sure.
[29.] What's your favorite color to wear? Black. ^^
[30] Who was the last person in your room besides you? Jess and Ben are here right now.
[31.] What are you doing today? Sleeping, showering, class, wasting time.
[34.] What would you do if you found a dinosaur egg? Hope it didn’t hatch.
[35.] Do you get bored easily? Not really.
[36.] What's something that someone can do that really bothers you? Lie.
[37.] Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger? Jordan.
[38.] Do you wish you were famous? No. Rich, though… rich I wouldn’t mind.
[40.] When you're at the beach, do you swim or lay out more? Swim. I love me the ocean.
[41.] Who's the last text message you received from and what did it say? Mon Cassilyn. It involved talking more.
[42.] How do you like your steak cooked? ...Meatless.
[43.] What's your favorite song at the moment? “When I Grow Up” by Garbage
[45.] Can music affect your mood? Can it? Of course!
[46.] What piercings do you want? Tragus. Perhaps two industrials in one ear. The gauges have been contemplated.
[47.] What tattoos do you want? My safety pin.
[49.] Do you like someone? Oh aye.
[50.] Do you think there's someone for everyone? Yes, indeed.

Tuesday is Bus Poetry Day

2007-11-13T11:58:00.001-08:00

So, it's Tuesday! I hopped on the bus to Student Health for my allergy shot.
Usually I just sit (or stand) and think about how poetic it is to ride a bus. Today I wised up; I can enter text on my phone and actually write the poems I think of! Huzzah!

Bus stop
red-brown bricks
street-smashed cans
stepped-in gum
construction across the street
some tall jerking machine
reflected in window-glass by lukewarm sunlight
a kissing couple
whether in love I cannot say
a girl in sunglasses
texting poetry to herself

Cassilyn Lends Me A Year

2007-11-12T22:38:00.000-08:00

♥JANUARY♥
1. Who kissed you on new years? Nobody.
2. Did you have a New Year’s Resolution this year? "Don't f*** this up."
3. Does it snow where you live? Copiously.
4. Do you like hot chocolate? Yes.
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? No.

♥FEBRUARY♥
1. Who was your Valentine? Paul.
2. When you were little did you buy Valentine’s for the whole class? Naturally!
3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? Not remotely.
4. What did you recieve for Valentines Day? Chocolate and a singing flower. ^^
5. What did you give for Valentine’s Day? My love. *is poor*

♥MARCH♥
1. Are you Irish? Hardcore.
2.Do you like corned beef and cabbage? I used to love corned beef. Then I became a vegetarian. Cabbage still rocks my socks. Also potatoes and soda bread.
3. What did you do for St. Patty’s Day in 2007? Had Paul over for dinner and Cassi for movies.
4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? No, it depresses me. Snow is so pretty until it gets all cruddy like that.

♥APRIL♥
1. Do you like the rain? Often.
2. Did you play an April fool’s joke on anyone this year? Yes.
3. Do you get tons of candy for easter? Not particularly.
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? ...my friend Emily's birthday...
5. Do you love the month of april? My birthday!

♥MAY♥
1. What is your favorite flower? The black rose. I'm not emo or anything. They're just pretty.
3. Finish the phrase “April showers…”: ...don't happen often enough.
4. Do you celebrate May 16th: Nay.
5. Is May anything special to you? Nope.

♥JUNE♥
1. What year did/will you graduate from high school? 2008
2. Did you do anything fun during this Month? Presumably... o.O
3. Have a favorite baseball team? Mets! (except I don't follow baseball).

♥JULY♥
1. What did you do on the 4th of July? Watched fireworks with Paul.
2. Did you go to the fireworks? Mm, yes.
3. Did you blast the A/C all day? I can't recall.

♥AUGUST♥
1.Did you do anything special at the end of your summer? Orientation.
2. What was your favorite summer memory of ‘07? I have no idea.
3. Did you have a sunburn? No, actually.
4. Did you go to the pool a lot? For once, no.

♥SEPTEMBER♥
1. Will you be attending college/school? Yes.
2. Do you like fall better than summer? Considerably.
3. Plan on anything to happen this month? My brother's birthday... college... yeah.

♥OCTOBER♥
1. What was your last Halloween costume? Peter Carroll, then PC.
2. What is your favorite candy? Snickers... mm!
3. What did you do last halloween? Honours party, then haunted house with Becki and Laura and Jess and such!

♥NOVEMBER♥
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? Usually Gramps's or Uncle Thomas's.. but this year, our house.
2. What are you thankful for? Good company. Coffee. Diet Coke. Sleep.
3. Do you love stuffing? Often.

♥DECEMBER♥
1. Do you celebrate Christmas? Commercially.
2. Have you ever been kissed under the mistle toe? No.
3. Get anything special last year? Cell phone!
4. What do you want this year? Dan *blushes*
5. What do you love most about December? Snow.

Notes from My Phone, pt. 5

2007-11-06T15:15:00.000-08:00

"I'm caught in a cycle of perpetual inconsistency." -- Me
Some pretty names: Rechama, Cirrus
"Tommy, don't run into Texas!" -- Sam

Notes from my Phone, pt. 4

2007-11-06T14:57:00.000-08:00

Song: The Scarlet Tide (Live)
Artist: Elvis Costello

A little bird did sing
Man has no choice
When he wants everything

We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride.

Man goes beyond his own decision
Gets caught up in the mechanism
Of swindlers who act like kings
And brokers who break everything
The dark of night was swiftly fading
Close to the dawn of the day
Why would I want him
Just to lose him again?

We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride.

Well I recall his parting words
Must I accept his fate?
Or take myself far from this place?
I thought I heard a black bell toll
Up in the highest stone
Admit you lied and bring the boys back home

We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride

We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride

Notes from My Phone, pt. 3

2007-11-06T14:48:00.000-08:00

Song: Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight
Artist: Amos Lee
Video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=S_9_Dhi2s1Y

Well I walked over the bridge
Into the city where I live,
And I saw my old landlord.
Well we both said hello,
There was no where else to go,'cuz his rent I couldn't afford.

Well relationships change,
Oh I think it's kinda strange,
How money makes a man grow.
Some people they claim,
If you get enough fame,
You live over the rainbow.
Over the rainbow..

But the people on the street,
Out on buses or on feet,
We all got the same blood flow.
Oh, in society,
Every dollar got a deed,
We all need a place so we can go,
And feel over the rainbow.

But sometimes,
We forget what we got,
Who we are.
Oh who are are not.
I think we gotta chance,
To make it right.
Keep it loose,
Keep it tight.
Keep it tight.

I'm in love with a girl,
Who's in love with the world,
Though I can't help but follow.
Though I know some day,
She is bound to go away,
And stay over the rainbow.
Gotta learn how to let her go.
Over the rainbow.

Sometimes we forget who we got,
Who they are.
Oh, who they are not.
There is so much more in love,
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child,
Gotta keep it tight.

Keep it loose child,
Keep it tight.
Keep it tight,
Keep it tight.

Notes from My Phone, pt. 2

2007-11-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

Song: Spirit on the Water
Artist: Bob Dylan
Video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=i1nIxr4YUgc

Spirit on the water
Darkness on the face of the deep
I keep thinking about you baby
I can hardly sleep

I'm traveling by land
Traveling through the dawn of day
You're always on my mind
I can't stay away

I had forgotten about you
Then you turned up again
I always knew
We were meant to be more than friends

When you're near
It's just as plain as it can be
I'm wild about you, girl
You ought to be a fool about me

Can't explain
The sources of this hidden pain
You burned your way into my heart
You got the key to my brain

I've been trampling through mud
Praying to the powers above
I'm sweating blood
You got a face that begs for love

Life without you
Doesn't mean a thing to me
If I can't have you
I'll throw my love into the deep blue sea

Sometimes I wonder
Why you can't treat me right
You do good all day
And then you do wrong all night

When you're with me
I'm a thousand times happier than I could ever say
What does it matter
What price I pay?

They brag about your sugar
Brag about it all over town
Put some sugar in my bowl
I feel like laying down

I'm as pale as a ghost
Holding a blossom on a stem
You ever seen a ghost?
No, but you have heard of them

I see you there
I'm blinded by the colors I see
I'll take good care
Of what belongs to me

I hear your name
Ringing up and down the line
I'm saying it plain
These ties are strong enough to bind

Now your sweet voice
Calls out from some old familiar shrine
I've got no choice
Can't believe these things would ever fade from your mind

I could live forever
With you perfectly
You don't ever
Have to make a fuss over me

From East to West
Ever since the world began
I only mean it for the best
I want to be with you in any way that I can

I've been in a brawl
Now I'm feeling the wall
I'm going away baby
I won't be back until fall

High on the hill
You can carry all my thoughts with you
You've numbed my will
This love could tear me in two

I won't be with you in paradise
And it seems so unfair
I can't go to paradise no more
I killed a man back there

You think I'm over the hill
You think I'm past my prime
Let me see what you got
We can have a whopping good time

Notes from My Phone, Part 1

2007-11-06T14:09:00.000-08:00

Song: Ain't Talkin'
Artist: Bob Dylan
Video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UKcZ08yV_-A

As I walked out tonight in the mystic garden
The wounded flowers were dangling from the vine
I was passing by yon cool crystal fountain
Someone hit me from behind

Ain't talking, just walking
Through this weary world of woe
Heart burning, still yearning
No one on earth would ever know

They say prayer has the power to heal
So pray for me, mother
In the human heart an evil spirit can dwell
I am trying to love my neighbor and do good unto others
But oh, mother, things ain't going well

Ain't talking, just walking
I'll burn that bridge before you can cross
Heart burning, still yearning
There'll be no mercy for you once you've lost

Now I'm all worn down by weeping
My eyes are filled with tears, my lips are dry
If I catch my opponents ever sleeping
I'll just slaughter them where they lie

Ain't talking, just walking
Through the world mysterious and vague
Heart burning, still yearning
Walking through the cities of the plague.
Well, the whole world is filled with speculation
The whole wide world which people say is round
They will tear your mind away from contemplation
They will jump on your misfortune when you're down

Ain't talking, just walking
Eating hog eyed grease in a hog eyed town.
Heart burning, still yearning
Some day you'll be glad to have me around.

They will crush you with wealth and power
Every waking moment you could crack
I'll make the most of one last extra hour
I'll avenge my father's death then I'll step back

Ain't talking, just walking
Hand me down my walking cane.
Heart burning, still yearning
Got to get you out of my miserable brain.

All my loyal and my much-loved companions
They approve of me and share my code
I practice a faith that's been long abandoned
Ain't no altars on this long and lonesome road

Ain't talking, just walking
My mule is sick, my horse is blind.
Heart burning, still yearning
Thinking about that girl I left behind.

Well, it's bright in the heavens and the wheels are flying
Fame and honor never seem to fade
The fire gone out but the light is never dying
Who says I can't get heavenly aid?

Ain't talking, just walking
Carrying a dead man's shield
Heart burning, still yearning
Walking with an ache in my heel

The suffering is unending
Every nook and cranny has its tears
I'm not playing, I'm not pretending
I'm not nursing any superfluous fears

Ain't talking, just walking
Walking ever since the other night.
Heart burning, still yearning
Walking until I'm clean out of sight.

As I walked out in the mystic garden
On a hot summer day, a hot summer lawn
Excuse me, ma'am, I beg your pardon
There's no one here, the gardener is gone

Ain't talking, just walking
Up the road, around the bend.
Heart burning, still yearning
In the last outback at the world's end.

Lecture Notes

2007-11-01T11:39:00.000-07:00

What are the sociological implications of sex?
Courtship
Humans are naturally reticent when it comes to sexual relations
A strong attraction between two people is necessary for an intimate (sexual) relation to form
How does that relationship form?
With "people like us" - we draw the line at siblings for an unknown reason
Theodore Newcomb's Theory of Interpersonal Attraction
Propinquity increases the likelihood of communication
Communication leads to reciprocal attitude that results in increased similarity
Similarity of attitudes leads to attraction
Therefore, proximity alone can increase attraction, but only insofar as it increases communication between two individuals

Hmm... what does that mean?

Incentives

2007-10-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

Reasons to wake up in the morning:
1. Interesting quotes said in Sociology lecture.
2. Overhearing conversation snippets on the bus.
3. Smiling people who notice you despite their headphones.
4. The blueness of the sky as it contrasts the burnished gold of the foliage.
5. Ben's birthday.
6. That Just-Brushed Clean Feeling.
7. Food. Mmmm, food.
8. Poetry - to write it and to read it.
9. Reading titles of health-related brochures.
10. Dan.

Mood.

2007-10-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

What is this mood?
Unable to focus,
Pensive.
My brain
Here, there
Everywhere,
Up down allaround.

I don't like being taken for granted.
My fingers are cold.
Shivers run through my body.
What is this anger?

"I prefer to lick my wounds
alone
and then come out with my heart
slightly harder than it was before."
Who is the girl who says these things?

I thought I left her in my betraying adolescence
but it seems she's followed me here

My cheeks are flushed
Her presence in me
makes the hair stand up on my arms,
the back of my neck

What is this emotion?

Post-Class Discussion Disorder

2007-10-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

Glow-in-the-dark condoms + drunken boys = light-saber fights?
One wonders.
Sound effects?
Oh yes.
http://www.justrubbers.com/nightlight.html

...why am I not doing some of my copious amounts of homework?
Hmmmmmmn.
Maybe because I'm bored with it.
Huh.

Ben Kweller. Wow.

List

2007-10-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

On my Desk:
A mostly-empty can of Sprite
An orange, plastic Easter-egg containing small quantity of orange Silly Putty
A green little squishy man, supposed to relieve stress
A goblet I painted myself
A brushed-steel lamp
Speakers, plugged into my laptop
A pencil sharpener
A mostly-empty bottle of water
A small blue pyramid of uncertain origin which rattles when picked up
A squishy item in the shape of a desktop computer, supposed to relieve stress
CDs - Matchbox Twenty, Of Montreal, Michael Buble, Bob Dylan, Skillet, the Smiths
Beck, another Matchboxy Twenty, Kill Hannah, Semisonic
A cup of pens, pencils, and other instruments of destruction
Welcome to the Monkey House by Kurt Vonnegut
A small notebook
Post-It notes
A mug displaying images of James Dean
An alarm clock - beg your pardon, an ANNOYING alarm clock
A Snoopy bank
A black-and-white paisley tissue box
An old bottle which once contained a pound of honey and now contains a bunch of quarters
A digital camera, not even mine
Some notes to self
My wallet
My phone
A can of soup, open, cold, and partially eaten
A spoon
Scissors

Gallant

2007-10-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

He'd save me if I was threatening to jump off a bridge.
...he'd CERTAINLY prevent me from falling out of bed. :D
And yet, he's so far away.
People ask, what can you do?
I answer, love one another.

They laugh, my friends, my acquaintances.
Cynical college students, all,
On the cusp of bitter adulthood, frustrated about one thing or another.

Love, some argue, doesn't exist.
It's nature's way of tricking us into reproducing,
Or society invented it,
And we keep doing it because Disney tells us to.

http://xkcd.com/150/

Bits from Freewebs

2006-11-16T12:27:00.000-08:00

So.. my Freewebs site is under construction (yet again). Here's what was on the Thoughts page.

11-28-05

First: Regarding LoveI think that love is really, as Pink Floyd states, a momentary lapse of reason that binds a life for life. This makes sense because all it really takes is one moment, and that person can be under your skin forever.

Second: Regarding Life Lessons and My FatherHere are some things I've learned from my father over the years.
1. When using a staple gun, it always works better if you say "Oy!" while you staple.
2. Taco salad tastes better on the couch in front of the football game.
3. Iowa City is the greatest city in the world.
4. When stretching, yelling "Kasban! Salabah!" at the top of your lungs increases stretch productivity.
5. When you can't remember someone's name, either
a) invent a song to go with it (ex. "Folly-Molly-Tauke-Ray-oh")
b) call them by the first name that pops into your head
(ex. "Amos" instead of "Andy" for your daughter's boyfriend)
6. Drawstrings on pants are for people with inhibitions.
7. There's a difference between good rock and bad rock, and the difference is this:
the Who vs. Queen
(in modern-day terms, Green Day vs. Good Charlotte)
8. Raise thy daughter in thy own image, lest she turn out just like everyone else.

11-22-05: Regarding "I Am the Walrus" by the Beatles [Album = Magical Mystery Tour] I see John Lennon standing in front of a movie screen in an empty theater. He is moving slightly, in time with the music, as he sings. As the song progresses, the screen behind him flickers to life, displaying random images and scenes of humanity. The scenes play faster and faster until a crowd of people whorls by at 80 times normal speed. John continues singing and moving in time with the music. The screen turns to static as the song reaches its climax… then turns to blue. As the song ends, John stops singing. Simultaneously, he freezes, and is silhouetted from behind by a dazzling white spotlight.

11-22-05
I have this to say about nachos:
Go light on the chips and heavy with the cheese. Don’t use plastic plates. The 34 seconds you microwave them for can be used to seal the chip bag and put it back in the pantry. Also, you’ll have time to seal the bag of shredded cheese and replace it in the fridge. Variety in cheese is good – cheddar, Colby, Monterey jack, Swiss, mozzarella…Ranch dressing adds great flavour. Wash them down with milk

11-19-05
I really do better off without my family, just sitting here and listening to Sinead O'Connor.
I hope I die before I get old. I don't want to be dependent ever again.
Man oh man, am I tired.
What precisely is the reasoning behind mullets?

11-10-05 I called Dan because talking about nothing in particular to someone who doesn’t hear gossip about me is a very appealing thing. It makes me feel better.
Right now, all I can do is sit here in the dark, listen to A Perfect Circle’s version of “People are People”, and hate myself.

11-9-05 Walking around town today, I grew pensive. I wore my black Converse high tops, black jeans, a black trench coat, and my Pink Floyd cap with all the pins on. There was money and a cell phone in my pocket and a little black backpack on my back. I carried a steaming hot chocolate in my hand. My nose and cheeks were rosy, and I felt like a young woman in the city: content, thoughtful.

Love. 10-16-05
Love is a funny thing. When I was younger, I wasn't going to fall in love; there was no doubt. Once I hit puberty, it was more of an "I don't want to fall in love" thing (Don't Wanna Fall In Love - Green Day). There's also "I don't want to wait in vain for your love" (Waiting in Vain - Bob Marley). And here I go... it's happened to me, just like I never thought it would. I'm in love with someone who is so unlike me at first glance you'd laugh. But once you got to know him like you know me, you'd realize that we're not so different at all.
Then there are the things that no one knows about me but him. These are the areas where we're most alike.
I never used to have a future, you know? I never wanted to be around people... I was going to go live the ascetic lifestyle of a hermit and write frightening verse to buck-toothed girls in Luxembourg (Ask - the Smiths). But now I do want to spend the rest of my life with someone.
Crazy.

First. 9-16-05
I deleted the Depressed Entries page, since I am no longer so depressed, and have changed it to merely Thoughts, which you have here. Whenever it is possible, I shall record a thought for you here, whichever has been most on my mind that particular day. Here's to today's...
One must be proactive, not reactionary.
There's also, "Holy effing crap, a CHEMISTRY test?!"

Intro - Welcome to My Thoughts
I’ve got this to say about life – you learn a heckuva lot. How to tie your shoes. How to get dressed. How to read; how to write. What not to tell your parents. Names of colours, names of shapes, names of countries, states, capitals. Songs, bands, genres of music, movies, books. How to add, subtract, multiply, divide, solve for unknown variables, logarithms. How to determine the chemical makeup of a compound. How to draw a portrait. Letters of the alphabet. How to count. How to walk, how to run, what happens when you touch a hot stove or anger a dog. The definitions of more words than you use on a daily basis. The names of the Beatles – then the names of the Who, of Queen, of Pink Floyd, Green Day, NOFX, the Story Changes, Bachman Turner Overdrive, Antigenre. How to alphabetize things; how to use the Dewey Decimal System. Sometimes it’s little things you learn that you don’t think people pay enough attention to. That’s why you write about them and post what you wrote on the “Thoughts” page of your Freewebs.

Well then.
Another recently-learned life lesson. Love sucks.
"Love hurts, love scars...""Love is old, love is new..."
Aiee.

Current Event

2006-10-18T17:30:00.000-07:00

He added: “Hitler had a good 20 to 30 IQ points on Bush, so comparing Bush to Hitler would in many ways be an insult to Hitler.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15217627/

Do a current event on this.

So... again.

2006-09-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

Zorba rolls, chocolate soy milk, and cookies made with Pirate's Pearl M&Ms are all delightfully tastly.

[Big Bottom by Spinal Tap]The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'
That's what I said
The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand
Or so I have read

My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo
I'd like to sink her with my pink torpedo

Big bottom, big bottom
Talk about bum cakes, my girl's got 'em
Big bottom drive me out of my mind
How could I leave this behind?

I met her on Monday, twas my lucky bun day
You know what I mean
I love her each weekday, each velvety cheek day
You know what I mean

My love gun's loaded and she's in my sights
Big game is waiting there inside her tights, yeah

Big bottom, big bottom
Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em
Big bottom drive me out of my mind
How could I leave this behind?

[...okay.]
Trombones are amazing. Marching band is joyous. Government class involves way too much homework and all-too-frequent tests. English class is a great place to do Government homework. Physics is fun at an accelerated pace. Matthew is weird, but so are Bailey and I so we make THEE best Physics group ever. World Cultures is a good place to stare at the back of the new kid's head and try to work up the courage to say something to him, because he's so flippin' quiet.

[Pathetic sedatives.]
Got my liscence. wOO.

A Day in the Life

2006-09-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting and eating a plum. Wayne's World is on in the other room, right at the beginning (they just got done with Bohemian Rhapsody adn the woman that makes Garth completely unattainable *tear* is about to come on the screen). I'm also thinking. You see, there are a number of aspects of life right now which, though I may complain about them, I absolutely adore. And it's weird. But my workload - which at this point of my life consists mainly of homework - keeps me busy. I love tackling things I don't understand and figuring them out. Doing chores - dishes, laundry, vaccuuming - gives me time to just think about things. Marching band rehearsals - well, we all love those, no matter what we say.

Life is all right, all told. Actually, it's more than all right: it's pretty damn good. Party on. Excellent.

Sure, I'm busy. Between staying in shape, school, schoolwork, chores, band practice, Speech, plus eating, sleeping, and showering and attempting to maintain a functional romantic relationship, my plate's about full.

I'm loving it.

Bring it on, world.

English Muffins

2006-08-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

Can be used to make pizza.

Can you tell I'm not feeling very insightful today?

A Few Spontaneous Things

2006-08-16T06:30:00.000-07:00

1. I haven't posted here in a LONG time.
2. There's a troll on my desk.
3. I finally bought "Atom Heart Mother", and I am madly in love with it.
4. I like roller coasters.
5. "I am a writer, writer of fictions..."
6. That troll really freaks me out.
7. Scissors...?
8. Everything is Illuminated. See it. Now.
9. Ahar, me buckoes.
10. All done!

"...put me where I belong..."

2006-06-15T19:39:00.000-07:00

"Who is the man I see?
Where I'm supposed to be?
I lost my heart,
I buried it too deep
Under the iron sea

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Lines ever more unclear
I'm not sure I'm even here
The more I look the more I think that I'm
Starting to disappear

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong
I don't where I am
And I don't really care
I look myself in eye
There's noone there
I fall upon the earth
I call upon the air
But all I get is the same old vacant stare

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong"

~~ Keane, "Crystal Ball"

What? More Boingo?

2006-05-28T16:48:00.000-07:00

You worry too much
You make yourself sad
You can't change fate
But don't feel so bad
Enjoy it while you can
It's just like the weather
So quit complaining brother
No one lives forever!!

Let's have a party there's a full moon in the sky
It's the hour of the wolf and I don't want to die

I'm so happy dancing while the grim reaper
cuts, cuts, cuts
But he can't get me
I'm as clever as can be, and I'm very quick,
But don't forget we've only got so many tricks
No one lives forever!!!

You think you got it rough?
What about your darling doggy?
Ten short years,
He's getting old and groggy
I don't think it's very fair
Cold, chop, low, but it's all relative my friend;
No one lives forever!!!
Let's have a party there's a full moon in the sky
It's the hour of the wolf and I don't want to die

(But) No one beats him at his game
For very long but just the same
Who cares, there's no place safe to hide
Nowhere to run--no time to cry
So celebrate while you still can
'Cause any second it may end.
And when it's all been said and done . . .
Better that you had some fun
Instead of hiding in a shell,
Why make your life a living hell?
So have a toast, and down the cup
And drink to bones that turn to dust,
'Cause No one, no one, no one, no one . . . . . . .
No one lives forever!!
(Hey!)

[Sigh...] Don't you just adore the Boingo-ness?

Being Highly Conservative...

2006-05-19T10:46:00.000-07:00

...can certainly be altered, don't you think?
That's what I'm going to think, especially since today I'm being optimistic.

"I have no reason to be over-optimistic, but somehow when you smile I can brave bad weather..."

Name that quote, you muffin! I dare you!

Hmn.

"I should tell you..."

You know what? Mistoffelees (sp?) is my favourite Cat. I think he's adorable. Plus, he's shiny and otherwise magical. Which is more than you can say, isn't it?

"Was there ever a cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees?"

Pippin

2006-05-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Say what you will, I enjoyed Pippin. Sure, you have to compensate for Fosse's choreography style if you don't like that sort of thing, but overall I loved the story.
Loved it.
Production review, anyone?
http://www.ibdb.com/production.asp?ID=3096

"...light is changing to shadow..."

2006-05-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

"On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won’t understand
Don’t accept that what’s happening
Is just a case of others’ suffering
Or you’ll find that you’re joining in
The turning away
It’s a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it’s shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we’re all alone
In the dream of the proud
On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
And mesmerized as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It’s not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there’ll be
No more turning away?"
-- Pink Floyd, "On The Turning Away" from the album Momentary Lapse of Reason

[*] This sums up everything. Everything.
[*] I love this song.
[*] I... I think I love him. Whoa.

"...have you forgot about me?"

2006-05-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

[Song: "Don't Stop Dancing" by Creed from the album Weathered]
"At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light. A silver lining sometimes isn't enough to make some wrongs seem right. Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, and now I'm on my knees again, but I know I must go on. Although I hurt I must be strong, because inside I know that many feel this way. Children, don't stop dancing. Believe you can fly away...away. At times life's unfair and you know it's plain to see. Hey God I know I'm just a dot in this world; have you forgot about me? Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, and now I'm on my knees again, but I know I must go on. Although I hurt I must be strong, because inside I know that many feel this way. Children, don't stop dancing. Believe you can fly away...away. Am I hiding in the shadows? Forget the pain, and forget the sorrows. Am I hiding in the shadows? Forget the pain, and forget the sorrows. But I know I must go on. Although I hurt I must be strong, because inside I know that many feel this way. Children, don't stop dancing. Believe you can fly away...away. Am I hiding in the shadows? Are we hiding in the shadows?"

[First; Urk]
Nervous about tonight's concert? Why, yes! Why, you ask? Well, maybe because I'm running on three hours of sleep and have two big projects overdue that I'd hoped to work on tonight. Eff.

"...I should tell you..."

2006-04-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

[ROGER] I should tell you I'm disaster
I forget how to begin it
[MIMI] Let's just make this part go faster
I have yet to be in it
I should tell you
[ROGER] I should tell you
[MIMI] I should tell you
[ROGER] I should tell you
[MIMI] I should tell I blew the candle out just to get back in
[ROGER] I'd forgotten how to smile until your candle burned my skin
[MIMI] I should tell you
[ROGER] I should tell you
[MIMI] I should tell you
[BOTH] I should tell you,
Well here we go
Now we-
[MIMI] Oh no
[ROGER] I know - this something is, here goes-
[MIMI]Here goes
[ROGER ]Guess so, it's starting to...Who knows?
[MIMI]Who knows
[BOTH]Who knows where?
Who goes there?
Who knows?
Here goes
Trusting desire - starting to learn
Walking through fire without a burn
Clinging - a shoulder a leap begins
Stinging and older, asleep on pins
So here we go; now we-
[ROGER] Oh no
[MIMI] I know
[ROGER] Oh no
[BOTH] Who knows where
Who goes there?
Here goes
Here goes
Here goes
Here goes
Here goes
Here goes

--- "I Should Tell You" from Rent

Should I tell him? Should I indeed?

*sigh* He hasn't emailed me for days. I wonder if he found the note. *mortification*

"...eeurgh..."

2006-04-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

Boys are stupid.

No offense to the boys I like.

Let's rephrase that.

The boys I don't like are stupid.

For those of you I do like... sorry you have to be part of such a stupid gender.

It's not your fault.

>.>

<.<

Lots of girls stink too.

People.

Guh.

A Song Stuck.

2006-04-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

This song is stuck in my head.
It's called "Wig In A Box".
It's from the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which I saw on Saturday night with Ali.
It's an amazing movie.
And an extremely catchy song.

"On nights like this
when the world's a bit amiss
and the lights go down
across the trailer park
I get down
I feel had
I feel on the verge of going mad
and then it's time to punch the clock

I put on some make-up
and turn up the tape deck
and pull the wig down on my head
suddenly I'm Miss Midwest
Midnight Checkout Queen
until I head home
and put myself to bed

I look back on where I'm from
look at the woman I've become
and the strangest things
seem suddenly routine
I look up from my Vermouth on the rocks
a gift-wrapped wig still in the box
of towering velveteen.

I put on some make-up
and some LaVern Baker
and pull the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm Miss Beehive 1963
Until I wake up
And turn back to myself

Some girls they have natural ease
they wear it any way they please
with their French flip curls
and perfumed magazines
Wear it up
Let it down
This is the best way that I've found
to be the best you've ever seen

I put on some make-up
and turn up the eight-track
I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm Miss Farrah Fawcett
from TV
until I wake up
and turn back to myself

Shag, bi-level, bob
Dorothy Hammil do,
Sausage curls, chicken wings
It's all because of you
With your blow dried, feather back,
Toni home wave, too
flip, fro, frizz, flop,
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you

I put on some make-up
turn up the eight-track
I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm this punk rock star
of stage and screen
and I ain't never
I'm never turning back"

Best Superbad Sites

2006-03-09T11:13:00.000-08:00

http://www.superbad.com/1/houseguest/direct.html
http://www.superbad.com/1/turkey/turkey.html
http://www.superbad.com/1/posture/index.html
http://www.superbad.com/1/monster/index.html
http://www.superbad.com/1/plumbing/index.html
http://www.superbad.com/1/man/superbee.html
http://www.superbad.com/1/f/f.html
http://www.superbad.com/1/ash/tray.html

More later
http://www.superbad.com/1/trunk/trunk.html

Of Mice and Men Summary for Project

2006-02-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

When the work is tough, the road is long, and your companion is not very bright, it’s hard to dream. George, however, has big plans for himself and Lennie - farmhouse, some land, rabbits and livestock. But Lennie, with his dim intellect, is continually gets them into trouble and out of work. Can they stay out of trouble long enough to keep their dream alive, or will the son of their new employer tear their hopes to shreds?

Goodbye - Hootie and the Blowfish

2006-02-10T11:49:00.000-08:00

This song is stuck in my head, and I absolutely love the a-capella-ness of it. Plus the words are... quite pretty. And I love Darius' voice.

Tomorrow used to be a day away
Now love is gone and you’re into someone far away.
I never thought the day would come
When I would see his hand, not mine,
Holding onto yours because I could not find the time.
Now I can’t deny
Nothing lasts forever
I don’t want to leave
And I see the tear drops in your eyes
I don’t want to live to see the day we say goodbye
Now there comes another part of life that I call alone
Sitting at a bar with Chris
And I can’t leave 'cause my house ain’t no home, no.
I just wanna touch you girl
I wanna feel you close to me
Without your love I would give up now
And walk away so easily.
So maybe while you’re young
We’ll figure out together
That even with the pain, there’s a remedy
And we’ll be all right
I don’t want to live to see the day we say goodbye.
When I first met you I couldn’t love anyone
But you stole my dreams and you made me see
That I can walk under the sun
And I can still be me
And now I can’t deny nothing lasts forever.
But I don’t want to leave and see the teardrops in your eyes
So baby while we’re young let’s figure out together
That even with the pain there’s a remedy
And we’ll be all right.
I don’t want to live to see the day we say goodbye,
We say goodbye, oh goodbye, goodbye.

"Running after me..."

2006-02-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

The movie "Can't Hardly Wait" is one of my favourites. Sure, you might say it's a teen party movie. But it's got a message to it. At least one. "Fate can only take you so far..." I love the soundtrack as well. I didn't realize it until last night, but it's a Run DMC song that's playing as Kenny goes into the bathroom to get ready to lose his virginity... ah, the irony and fate in that scene!

A lovestruck Romeo sings a streetsus serenade
Laying everybody low with me, a lovesong that he made
Finds a convenient streetlight, steps out of the shade
Says something like, "You and me babe, how about it?"

Juliet says, "Hey, it’s Romeo! You nearly gimme a heart attack!"
He’s underneath the window, she’s singing, "Hey, la, my boyfriend’s back.
You shouldn’t come around here, singing up at people like that!
Anyway what you gonna do about it?"

Juliet, the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet, and you exploded in my heart
And I forget the movie song
When you wanna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

Come up on different streets, they both were streets of shame
Both dirty, both mean, yes, and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you, and your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

Where you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything you promised me think and thin
Now you just says, "Oh, Romeo, yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him."

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said "I love you like the stars above I’ll love you till I die."
There’s a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

I can’t do the talk like they talk on TV
And I can’t do a love song like the way it’s meant to be
I can’t do everything but I’d do anything for you
I can’t do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All do is keep the beat and bad company
All I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme
Juliet I’d do the stars with you any time

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said "I love you like the stars above I’ll love you till I die."
There’s a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

A lovestruck Romeo sings a streetsus serenade
Laying everybody low with me, a lovesong that he made
Finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like, "You and me babe, how about it?"

(That's "Romeo and Juliet" by Dire Straits)

Confusion

2006-01-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

I really have no idea how some things come to be said about me. I consider how people have told me about things I do, things I have no recollection of doing. I don't drink and I don't do drugs, so it's not substance abuse that's causing my lack of memory; I'm not playing dumb or pretending to forget. The only conclusion I can come to is that my actions have been misinterpreted, misconstrued, reinvented along the way, through so many tellings and retellings.

And now people are deliberately avoiding me. Now, I've never deliberately avoided anyone in my life, because even if someone has done something wrong, I believe people can change, can atone for their mistakes, can become better people because of them in the long run. I believe in being cordial to any old person you meet.

Ach, well. The only reason I bother about it at all is because some of these people have my stuff. Otherwise, if they don't want to talk to me, that's their decision, and I make it a point to not agonize over other people's decisions.

Now, back to Bradbury research...

I wish I was an alien, at home behind the sun...

2006-01-20T18:46:00.000-08:00

I love music.

Recently:
"Momentary Lapse of Reason" by Pink Floyd
"Achtung Baby" by U2
"rearviewmirror" by Pearl Jam, disc 2

Also "Zooropa" by U2, just so I can mention this quote...
"Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy..."

Exhaustion!

2006-01-06T10:18:00.000-08:00

All right. Holiday vacation? Yeah, full of late nights and early mornings. By the time school comes around again, Hannah has zero energy. So. I have Jazz Band every morning - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday - and now this week and next week we have Dance Team Friday mornings. Eurgh. Then with dance, homework, Monty Python reruns, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, etc., I'm up a bit late... okay, so I realize it's my fault, but for some reason I just can't sleep. And then Brandon calls last night around 10... yeah. And apparently Jim called before that, but you know what? I really don't feel like talking to him right now. The guy I really do want to talk with is difficult to talk to over the phone, and the guy who lives around here is... well, we're just friends, really, and he's in one of my classes so we can talk then, but it's not like we go out and do things together, go to movies or go with a group out to eat, and it's kind of frustrating. So anyway, I think that might be what keeps me up nights.

Chemistry Quotes:
"How did you know that?"
"Cause I'm... Steve Durey?"

"Hannah's on drugs!"
"Who told you?"
"Your mom!"
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"...how often do you talk to Tyler?"
(End Chemistry Quotes)

Right then, got to go, Molly's figured out who I was talking about up there (third guess! Is it that obvious? Can it POSSIBLY be that obvious?!?) and we have to be in PE on time today because Murphy's coming, and he thinks he's our principal, so... yeah. *sigh*

"She's got it all worked out..."

2005-12-13T17:24:00.000-08:00

She's got it all worked out in her mind
And you're part of the plan
And you don't have the final word

She's got a long head start on your brain
And your heart is afraid
And you don't get to say you're thinking

Come on make it easy now
Come on make it easy on us all
Come on make it easy now or tears may fall

She's got it all worked out I'm afraid
And your time is arranged
And it's strange but you're feeling fine

She's got it all worked out I'm afraid
And your life is arranged
And it's strange but you're feeling fine

- Semisonic

Penny Lane

2005-12-09T17:08:00.000-08:00

Today was a snow day, and it was very dull. Just like life on Penny Lane... normal and "very strange". It's also cold. I dislike snowish stuff.

Interview Questions

2005-12-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

[Intro] Denise Jones, dance team coach, private dance instructor

1. How long have you lived in Manchester?
2. How long have you been in business here?
3. What reasons made you decide to open a dance studio here as opposed to somewhere else?
4. How has the dance business changed over the years?
5. I know there are many students that you have watched change over the years. How would you describe your relationships with those students?
6. How does coaching the Dance Team differ from giving dance lessons?
7. What sort of qualification did you need to become a dance instructor?
8. How did you acquire that certification?
9. What obstacles have you encountered regarding your business - enrollment, publicity, facilities?
10. What types of dance do you teach?
11. How do these types of dance differ, to teach or to learn?
12. Which sort of dance would you reccommend a high-school aged beginner start with?
13. What reasons have you heard as to why people take dance lessons?
14. Why did you decide to teach dance as opposed to anything else?
15. What other jobs have you held?
16. What is te best part, in your opinion about your job?
17. What is your favourite type of dance, either to perform or teach?
18. What is the most popular type of dance among your students?
19. What do you call your job; what title do you have?
20. Can you describe your job for us?
21. Did you attend college, and, if so, where?
22. How was your college experience?
23. I konw you're involved with the Pass the Hat Players. How exactly are you involved?
24. How is Pass the Hat similar and different from dance instruction - drama, expression?
25. Can you describe the history of the Pass the Hat company?
26. What goals do you have for the future of your business?
27. What goals do you have for the Pass the Hat company?
28. Have any of your students pursued further careers in dance, and if so, what sorts of careers?
29. Have you noticed differences in the attitudes of school-aged students versus adult students, and if so, what are they?

PUT IN ORDER!
- Conclusion! Muha!

Yich.

2005-12-04T15:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, America's Funniest Home Videos aren't that funny.
The sunrise always burns my eyes.
My feet are incredibly cold.
I see your face and it's desperately kind.
Wherefore art thou, Jim?
That's how the high powers took my daddy from me.
The Wall is pretty much the best movie ever.
There is no debate, no debate, no debate.
You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea.
I controlled myself yesterday, mostly.
Where are you?
I realized that I really should be not so much of a bitch.
Oh, poor Stick Boy and Match Girl.
Is there any point in ever having children?
Dare I say it?
No.

Books to read from Amy

2005-12-02T12:28:00.000-08:00

All right, this entry is here strictly for my own benefit. My friend Amy has reccommended these books to me, and I posted them here so I don't have them on a list that I lose. Thankee much, guys! I'm, er, in the high school library just now, looking for a prose piece to read in front of the class.

Crusader by Edward Bloor
Story Time by Edward Bloor
the Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams
the Wish List by Eoin Colfer
Born Confused by Tanuja Desai Hider
Firebirds (edited by Sharyn November)
Gothic! (edited by Deborah Noyes)
Mortal Engines by Philip Reeve (series)

Oh, music...

2005-11-30T17:43:00.000-08:00

I love band. I love to play my instruments, to make music with a group of good friends. I love to listen to it, too... I love to close my eyes and breathe in the music, to make it flow in my bloodstream... I understand the glory of guitar... I'm bound by only four strings to this world (hey, I'd say six, but I'm a bass player, and I like classic things... don't need no fancy 5-string...)

For today, the song "Acrobat" by U2.

Don't believe what you hearDon't believe what you seeIf you just close your eyesYou can feel the enemyWhen I first met you girlYou had fire in your soulWhat happened your face of melting in snow?Now it looks like thisAnd you can swallowOr you can spitYou can throw it upOr choke on itAnd you can dreamSo dream out loudYou know that your time is coming 'roundSo don't let the bastards grind you downNo, nothing makes senseNothing seems to fitI know you'd hit outIf you only knew who to hitAnd I'd join the movementIf there was one I could believe inYeah I'd break bread and wineIf there was a church I could receive in'Cause I need it nowTo take the cupTo fill it upTo drink it slowI can't let you goI must be an acrobatTo talk like thisAnd act like thatAnd you can dreamSo dream out loudAnd don't let the bastards grind you downOh, it hurts babyWhat are we going to do? Now it's all been saidNo new ideas in the house and every book has been readAnd I must be an acrobatTo talk like thisAnd act like thatAnd you can dreamSo dream out loudAnd you can findYour own way outAnd you can buildAnd I can willAnd you can callI can't wait untilYou can stashAnd you can seizeResponsibilitiesAnd I can loveAnd I can loveAnd I know that the tide is turning 'roundSo don't let the bastards grind you down

A bit from my Dad

2005-11-10T17:56:00.000-08:00

"Johnny Cash is the Bob Marley of country." - My Dad.

"I'm an atheist with some Buddhist values." - Me

"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds." - Bob Marley

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world shall know peace." - Jimi Hendrix

A New Approach

2005-10-25T17:33:00.000-07:00

Allright. I'm on Myspace and will soon be on Elftown, so here I'm just going to write whatever comes in my head.

Guh, slow computer. Death.
Sebby, sebby, sebby, sebby, sebbity, sebbity-HAR.
America doesn't have a princess; Ciara is a whore. And she can't sing. And she has webbed fingers.
Garg, I love music.
"Soon forgotten, but never parted."
SKINDRED!
Shadows in morgues
los aristogatos!
why does my heart cry/feelings i can't hide/you're free to leave me but just don't decieve me/and please believe me when i say i love you...
brrrrrrrrrricki!
sting like a scorpion/buzz like a bee
WHY is EVERYONE horny all the time?
EEEEDDDDGGGGAAAARRRR AAAALLLLLLLLEEEENNNN PPPPOOOOEEEE!!!!
nobody gets out alive
I got a little tired of never being calledYeah I got a little sick of always being stalledAnd that is why I said that "we should just be friends.Go on, baby, get on home; this is where it ends".
And to tell you the truth, I got tired of the lies,And never knowing what to do to get us to surviveThanks for finally getting me to open up my eyesI don't think you're worth it and that's really no surprise.
You said I broke your heart, and maybe that was trueHow come, though, you never ever told me, "I love you"? It was shit like that which made me call and tell you we were throughSeems to me that was the practical thing to do
And to tell you the truth, I got tired of the lies,And never knowing what to do to get us to surviveThanks for finally getting me to open up my eyesI don't think you're worth it and that's really no surprise.
Now a year has gone and you've written me to sayThat you miss me? need me? kiss me? thought of me todayYou've met my new boyfriend, now you realise it's trueThat I never ever would have run away with you
And to tell you the truth, it's really no surpriseThere never really was a way to get us to surviveNow today I'm really glad I opened up my eyesI couldn't make you worth it and that's really no surprise.

Going now, hope that was interesting.

"Tears stream down your face..."

2005-10-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

Listened to Coldplay this morning (three songs, "Fix You", "Swallowed in the Sea", and "Kingdom Come"), then Barenaked Ladies "Gordon" in the shower, then Aerosmith was my cleaning music.

Nothing has happened recently that hasn't been posted elsewhere... gourds, I'm tired... and confused... and I miss people... and I love people... and if it wasn't for him I'd probably be quite content to just fall peacefully asleep and wake up in a parallel dimension.

Love is the strangest thing...

2005-10-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

*insert title here* Now what would make you think that? Because when I look at him, when I emotionally remove myself and I look at him, I can see why people are surprised I'm dating him. But when I think about him, consider his quirks and his charms, his moods and his comments, I really do like him. I like him so much I could just fall over dead and die happy.

Craziness. But I like it.

Nitty-Gritty (new song)

2005-10-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

Baby I love how you make me feel
Baby I love how you've helped me heal
When you're around I feel so surreal
Baby I love all your sex appeal

Let's ride on a camel into the city
You're the only one that makes me feel pretty
That's why I wrote you this little ditty
So let's get down to the nitty-gritty

Baby I love how you're into me
Baby I love how you go crazy
When your around I'm not so lazy
Baby I love all the you I see

Let's ride on a camel into the city
You're the only one that makes me feel pretty
That's why it's only you that makes me this giddy
Come on, let's get down to the nitty-gritty

Baby I love, oh, the taste of you
Baby I love all the things you do
When you're around I'm always askew
Baby all I need a little of you

And I'm riding on a camel into the city
With you cos you always make me feel pretty
That's why I wrote you this little ditty
So we could get down to the nitty-gritty

English Gardens

2005-08-31T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in my basement. I'd rather be sitting in an English garden, like in 'I Am the Walrus' by the Beatles, but here I am, stuck in the basement. Dad turned the lights off and closed the door, so I'm rather trapped down here. Erlack.

"They can't ever save us now. "

Poor innocent Andy, corrupted by my tastes in music. Kill Hannah and Operation Ivy. He had pretty good taste on his own, I must say, Aerosmith and All-American Rejects, etc. And Eminem, though whether that is good taste or simply an odd thing I like has yet to be determined.

"Singing 'Hare Krishna!' man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allen Poe"

New bass tabs:
Castaway - Green Day
Question! - System of a Down
Shine On You Crazy Diamond - Pink Floyd
Have A Cigar - Pink Floyd
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

If you like good music - prog rock - and don't listen to Pink Floyd, you're silly. "Momentary Lapse of Reason" is an AWESOME album. Effing A.

All apologies

2005-08-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

I would just like to extend my apologies to one of my best friends for anything I have done to offend her. I would also like to apologize that I haven't the courage to apologize to her in person or on the phone.

"Does it seem like all your memories fade? We soak up knowledge to fill the space, and still my answer remains 'I don't know'" --Green Day

Thievery and Friendship

2005-08-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

Hmmkay. So. If someone steals something very important to you, should you still consider them your friend? Especially if then they damage your property before giving it to someone to give back to you? Carrie, you've done this to me twice, with the notebook and more recently my hat. I don't know how long it can go on before I decide to care enough to take my dignity back, as well.

School in two days. Erlack.

The Return

2005-07-31T22:24:00.000-07:00

I'M BACK FROM CANADA!

Man's Chest Hair - I missed you! You still smell funny and it gets dark really early here! Er!
There is a green glass goblet on my desk and I don't know where it came from. My mum isn't here, and my brother seems to have vanished. Wait, everyone's asleep... makes sense, eh? I think I'll post my trip blog on here as soon as it's finished... I can put up whatever now, get a start, eh? EH? Can you tell I've been to Canada?

Food and Trombones

2005-07-27T16:20:00.000-07:00

7-27-05
4:20 p.m.

Listening to the album “Guero” by Beck with some batteries pilfered from K8. She’s from Colorado, also a trombonist and vegetarian. Her trombone is very old and silver; the back of the bell, instead of having plumbing that makes a 90-degree angle, is set on the diagonal, and there is a complicated design including a faun with panpipes engraved on the bell. The entire trombone is silver. K8’s hair is blondish with blue streaks and short in such a way that it brings a pixie to mind. She’s a lot of fun.
Also there is Kaylee. She is from Manitoba and has introduced me to ketchup-flavoured potato chips and flavoured Corn Crunch. It’s great! I have wrappers. She just had me try an Eat-More bar, marketed as the “original dark toffee peanut chew”. It’s made by Hershey, so I don’t understand why we don’t have them in the States. Also they have French on their wrappers as well as English, instead of the way we have it, with Spanish and English. I’m supposed to check out puff wheat cake as well. Hmm.
They have Big Boy restaurants up here, like in the book “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”. Totally awesome.
Dr. Hall is an awesome trombone teacher and is known to randomly burst into old English. He says to practice for three hours per day, but to rest for twenty minutes every twenty minutes we play. So we rehearsed for a few minutes on “Circus Suite” and then tramped around the hut for a bit discussing flora and climate.
Speaking of the huts, I want to live in one. Ten-by-ten hut with a door and three windows, a bamboo mat to sleep on in one corner, a camp stove in another corner, cans of food on the bare walls, tea things in a picnic basket. I’d call it a “back-to-basics” routine, but I envision a laptop in this as well.
Gotta go, supper, be back later.

Lunchtime and Songs

2005-07-27T11:50:00.000-07:00

7-27-05
11:50 a.m.

Mmkay, it’s raining like mad! It’s beautiful! Hee, anyway, rehearsal was pretty normal; we had to get up and dance in turns to “Puszta” so we could feel the tempo changes. It was so cool! Methinks I finally have “Circus Suite, Bareback Riders” figured out. Huzzah. We need to play “Moreton Bay” in regular band at home because it’s so beautiful.
People have asked me what I want to be when I grow up. I say that I want to be a writer and philosopher. Brigette was very kind, in my opinion without realizing it, by saying she thought I already was both. Lunchtime, cheers.

Second Day

2005-07-26T22:30:00.000-07:00

7-26-05
10:30 p.m.?

Second day of camp. It’s almost lights-out, so I’ll write quickly. Basically there was a dance tonight, and we hung out for a bit. I introduced myself to the kid who was wearing the Led Zeppelin shirt the other day, because today he was wearing an OpIV shirt. Turns out he listens to reggae, metal, classic, and punk – lots like me, only he’s a dude and named Evan and from Bismarck, ND. He plays bass, too.
The nasty screeing noise last night turns out to not have been pipes, as suspected, but the wind under the door. Blocking the gap with a towel should improve the temperature and eliminate the wind noise.
I’ve named K8 “Roller-Skate Kate” like the John Entwhistle song. Then a male friend of hers whose name I don’t know has become “Mr. Roller-Skate” so I can call him something I’ll remember. This dude plays percussion. Victoria – she’s a t’bone – is also called University because some of our music comes from the University of Victoria, where Dr. King teaches.
Lights out is soon. It’s a huge pain to walk to the nurse for meds all the time. Lights out!

Lights Out

2005-07-25T22:45:00.000-07:00

7-25-05
10:45 p.m.
It’s been classes, classes, classes since breakfast. We woke up at 6:30 a.m. to shower. Breakfast for me was an omelette (complete with Government cheese!). At 8:30 was rehearsal at the Masonic Auditorium down the road. BIG building. Dr. Gerald King is our conductor. He’s an average-height man with a fringe of bleach-white hair around his chrome dome. He’s from BC and seems okay, like he makes jokes and stuff. First rehearsal goes until 9:30. My water opened in my bag; my notebook and sweatshirt were all WET – it was cold in the morning. One of my cameras got waterlogged and was destroyed, dang it. At 9:40 was a sectional, but the lights just went out. Will finish tomorrow.

Barenaked in the Morning

2005-07-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

7-24-05
8:29 p.m.

Leaving Grand Forks, ND, going someplace called Rugby. It can’t be all bad with a name like that. There was a problem with our room at Days Inn, so we had to switch to a smoking room. I walked in, stopped breathing, and barely got to my inhaler in time. To clear my lungs, Molly and I watched the sun set. The cloud formation was incredible, and the sunlight splayed out like golden angel’s song over the tops of them. We went back to the room (puff, puff on inhaler) and had a shaving party in the tiny, dirty bathroom. We went to sleep a little later, Molly and I on one bed, Joanie (Molly’s mum) and Luann (sp? Molly’s aunt) on the other bed, and Lindz and Heather (Molly’s sisters) on the floor. Woke up this morning, showered, ate the free continental breakfast, and left. I’m boycotting Days Inns, now.
The clouds this morning are like whisps of angel hair. It amuses me to picture cherubim and seraphim in a salon, chatting away to their stylists.
“Maroon” by the Barenaked Ladies proves very appropriate to this trip. Lindz has graciously provided me with new batteries. I’m hoping these last. Molly’s listening to AC/DC. I wonder how that suits this glorious morning.
Unused as I am to morning light, I find that it is very pretty. It seems sort of paler, more delicate, than the afternoon daylight I cavort in. “Falling for the First Time” really is a good song, perfect for watching dust blow over fields, for watching shadows cast by this oddly warm pale light. As the song changes to “Conventioneers”, I think two things: that Jim Creeggan is my favourite living bass player, and that Steven Page is one of those lucky people who could soothe a squalling baby just by singing to them.

Watches and Pink Floyd

2005-07-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

7-24-05
6:00 p.m.?

I’m starting to wish I’d brought a watch. We’ve had auditions, and I did terribly. Eurgh! Mollz and I are in the same dorm, though, and might be able to trade bunks so we’re next to one another. A lot of people are Canadian. K8, another trombonist, is from Colorado, in the mountains. Memo to self: Get bass tabs for “Waiting for the Worms” by Pink Floyd.

Dunseith, Freddy Mercury, and Death

2005-07-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

7-24-05
1:16 p.m.

Dunseith, ND, is pretty much nothing. It has charms, though. We stopped at a truck stop for a restroom break and lunch. The bathrooms were surprisingly good-smelling and had automatic paper towel dispensers that you waved at, and they spit out just the right amount of paper towel. However, the women’s restroom had two toilets, but no stalls; how bizarre. We’re fifteen miles from the Peace Garden. For lunch I had French fries with VINEGAR! Complete YUM! I about died of ecstasy. My BnL gave way to the Killers, who gave way to Queen.
There’s water all over the place here, just standing and being unbelievably blue. Cattails grow in the shoulders on the sides of the road. Birds play in roadside ponds. The water really is beautiful.
There’s something about Freddy Mercury that makes me smile. Maybe it’s the fact that he sang so well, or that he had the courage to be so rampant about his sexuality. I love Queen in a big way, but it’s times like this, when I think about people like Freddy Mercury, that I wonder if anyone loved him enough to be with him when he died. Following that I start to contemplate my own death. I think just now that I want to be buried in North Dakota, just because we passed a cemetery that was ever so pretty.
Thinking about Freddy Mercury also puts me in mind of homosexuality in general. Two kids tease each other, calling each other “poop-brain”, “diaper-head”, and “gay”. It hurts. I might not be completely gay, but the only reason for this is because I’m attracted to personalities, not looks, so it holds nothing with me what set of parts you have in your pants. But it rankles with me still because of my gay friends. It also rankles with me when you get girls who are all like, “Hey, guys! Omigod! Guess what? We’re lesbians! Isn’t that hot?” Followed by mad giggling. It’s not, though, or it shouldn’t be. Because a real lesbian would ignore guys, at least sexually.
We’re half a mile from camp.

Langdon and Hannah

2005-07-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

7-24-05
10:54 a.m.

Just now we’re in Langdon, ND. On the way here, we passed bright yellow fields we reckoned were mustard, and some smoky blue ones that we didn’t recognize. [Note: it was later found out that the yellow fields are canola or rapeseed, and the blue ones are flax.] Langdon had some very nice houses, one painted bright green with yellow and purple accents that was VERY PRETTY. There was an intriguing tree someone had assembled from pots of purple flowers.
Matchbox Twenty’s “Yourself or Someone Like You” replaced “Maroon”, but now I’m listening to BnL’s “Born on a Pirate Ship”. The farm fields don’t have fences around them. I wonder what that means.
Driving and facing west, there are no clouds in the sky. This is the sort of light, now, that I’m used to, so the fields glare emerald, topaz, and sapphire. The water reflects the sky unflinchingly. I wonder how these fields look in the morning light. Never have I seen water so blue; we just passed another lake.
There’s a town called Hannah nineteen miles form the sign we just passed. I want a picture of myself next to that sign.
It seems that people around here keep bees, as well. I think that would be crazy cool. Of course, I’d probably be scared to death, but oh well. I mean, people terrify me, and I put up with them.
Another lake. “Same Thing” by the BnL might be the perfect song for this drive. A pretty song to accompany all this pretty scenery. I turn the volume up to drown out Lindz and Heather. They are some of the people that scare me, but they’re far better than some I could mention.

On Location

2005-07-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

7-23-05
8:04 p.m.

The sky is clearer now, and the blue is breathtaking. Lindz took a picture of another billboard, this one saying “Be Polite”. I like those billboards. The speed limit is 75 miles per hour, which I find both crazy and exhilarating. We are about twenty minutes from Grand Forks.
[In this bit, I wrote about something very, very personal that I don’t feel comfortable posting online involving someone I know I love. You see, I don’t know exactly what sort of love I feel for this person, and I was getting frustrated.] Why don’t I KNOW?
Fourteen miles to Grand Forks, something like 164 miles to Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. If I were not attending to other business, it would be conceivable to drive to Winnipeg tonight. I think that’s crazy. Distance is insane. It’s also crazy that I woke up in Iowa, and I’ll be going to sleep in North Dakota.
We just passed another billboard, “Be Kind”.
Seven miles now until cable TV, batteries for my poor CD player, and a nice shower. Good. I need to wash my face; you could probably burn a lamp with the oil on my skin.
I want to buy a field and restore it to prairie. Or maybe a patch of woods with a nice glade in the middle, where I can sit and write and talk to myself if I need to.
Across the way is another field full of houses. I can’t stand those houses, all so similar. When I “grow up”, I want a geothermally powered adobe house in Canada somewhere. I want it to be empty except for some bamboo mats, tea things, a camp stove, and me. That’d be nice.
We’re in Grand Forks.

Dreams plus John and Yoko

2005-07-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

7-23-05
7:10 p.m.

Just ran out of batteries for my CD player. Also just saw a street sign in the middle of a field. Highly amusing.
We’re spending the night in Grand Forks, North Dakota. I wonder what it’s like to live in North Dakota; I guess I will find out. I will be in Canada at this time tomorrow. Weird thought.
I’ve been thinking about [anonymous] a lot lately. What I can’t figure out is why. I haven’t even seen him in, like, a year. So why the dreams? I dream [his sister] is off somewhere with her [boyfriend], and [he] and I walk onto their front porch; each of us has a glass of ice water. We sit on their deck furniture and sip our waters for awhile in silence, until I turn to him and ask if he’s ever been kissed. He says no, and I tell him that that’s good, because you should love the first person you kiss. He says nothing. Another sip of water, and we begin a conversation regarding human fear of emotion and being afraid to tell someone you love them. You shouldn’t be afraid of this, I say, because if they can’t deal with it then they’re not worth the trouble. I set down my water glass, and the next thing I know, he’s kissing me. No, kissing is the wrong word; it’s more like snogging. I don’t know if I understand – or want to understand – this dream.
We crossed the border into North Dakota at 7:19 p.m. I wrote as we traveled, and Lindsey (a.k.a. Lindz, Molly’s 13-year-old sister) took a picture of a billboard that said nothing but “Be Nice.” A few more billboards like that, and maybe the world would be a slightly better place, like when John and Yoko did the “Happy X-Mas” billboards. I miss you, John.

Supper and Flashbacks

2005-07-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

7-23-05
5:30 p.m.

Just attended mass at Our Lady of Victory church. Lucky for me it was a Catholic church, or I would have been even more lost. I was baptized Catholic, you see, though I’ve never had a First Communion. I would have, but by the age of six I had declared myself an atheist (though I did not then know the word).

~FLASHBACK~

I was a “tomboy” and did not like dressing up to go to church. One day at church I got all huffy and asked the priest, wouldn’t Jesus forgive you for not dressing up? The priest gave me a reply involving “showing your best face to God”. Thinking to myself that God would see every face you have, I vowed to myself and my parents that I would never attend church service with a congregation who wore a Sunday best. So I go in body when it’s necessary, but in spirit I sit and ponder things instead of paying attention to any homily or verse. I believe and ghosts and reincarnation, but all the hype about God has led me away from “Him”. There’s my feminist as well; I will never allow a male to dominate me.

We ate supper at Perkins, and as usual the food sits uneasily in my stomach. It was, however, a narrow escape from chicken-abusing KFC. It was Molly who spoke up and saved me.
Verve Pipe has given way to the Jimi Hendrix Experience. I’m currently listening to “Stone Free”. I really love Hendrix’s story, how he rose to Guitar God-dom from poverty. I love how Hendrix was who he wanted to be, no one else. I love to read what my other guitar-playing idols – Pete Townshend, John Lennon, Eric Clapton – had to say about him. I hope that someday, people that other people respect will be complimentary of my work.
I’ll be in North Dakota by 9 p.m.

A Second Song

2005-07-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

7-23-05
2:53 p.m.

The Verve Pipe – Photograph

If you want, beautiful, pitiful, have me in a picture
And if you want, make me dance
Throw me round, spin upon your finger

Blind labours the blind
And I am unwilling to uncover my eyes

If there’s a crease in my face over time
Rifle through, find a very nice one
There’s plenty more where that came from

Words, frozen, will thaw when I am wasted
I am better shut up, and a frame is quite confining
Hang me up…hang me up

I’m in the photograph

When I’m alone and the world is a fist, I am weightless
A universe, gravitate, orchestrate, I am fearless

And spin, the sky surrounding free from all the picture perfect
And spin, the sky surrounding larger than life

Meanwhile, I’m in the photograph

Golf courses and Hell

2005-07-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

7-23-05
2:25 p.m.

A third stop. Again, I don’t know the name of the town, but near it was a road I liked called Opportunity Drive. In essence, the Road to Opportunity. At CD change, I took out AFI’s “Sing the Sorrow” album and replaced it with the Verve Pipe’s “Villains”.
We are passing a silo covered in ivy, and I think that it has beauty. The propeller on a boat on a trailer is spinning. Here’s a mobile home with Saskatchewan license plates, and I am reminded of how close I am getting to Canada. A semi from Ontario, now. The song “Villains” by the Verve Pipe mercifully drowns out Shania Twain. “Villains” proves an appropriate anthem for this stretch of road as we pass the exit for St. Joseph, Minnesota.
The trees sense rain; you can tell by the leaves. Something is coming for sure, as the sky is angry and overcast. Even the interstate looks as though it is preparing for rain. I wish it would storm, because nothing is so pleasant as wet hottop with “Reverend Girl” playing to keep you company. Then again, rain might make for in increase in tension here in the van.
We pass a town called Avon and a factory outlet cheese store. Another cemetery. Thoughts of my own mortality swarm my mind, and I find myself checking my seatbelt. The track changes on my CD, and in the Verve Pipe’s silence I hear Shania Twain again. This is followed by a brief wondering: have I died and gone to Hell like my mum’s side of the family has told me I will? But no, “Cup of Tea” starts, and it turns out that knees sore from sitting and a touch of loving writer’s cramp are indeed my reality.
I see fields full of houses, and the houses are all the same. Not exactly so, but their slight differences lie in siding colour and garage placement. I am lost in confusion when I try to think why anyone would want such a house. Certainly the nearby eighteen-hole golf course cannot be that big of a selling point. However, I am saved by “Myself” and the countryside.

Rocky Horror and Minnesota

2005-07-23T12:32:00.000-07:00

7-23-05
12:32 p.m.

We just made a stop in a town. We are in Minnesota now, and I am listening to “Dammit Janet” from the Rocky Horror Picture Show sound track. We passed a town called Hope a ways back. It was lovely; there was a sign pointing up the exit to Hope. Yep, folks, Hope’s just up thattaway.
I told someone last night that I loved him, and I’m pondering now whether or not I told him the truth.
The sun lost. It’s completely overcast now. Clouds brood over the thick emerald fields, and in this aspect Minnesota and Iowa are identical. We are now 37 miles from Minneapolis. Less now. Less now. Time and distance are one, here on the interstate.
Signs, blue for food and gas, green for New Prague and Exit 69. Everything is coloured, any colour you like. I wonder if, secretly, the colours people pick for their automobiles are coded. I wonder if all people who drive grey minivans are culture-starved kids who listen to “Sweet Transvestite” while writing travel journals and tell people they love them even if they’re unsure how.
A smiley face raised its shades and winked at me from the side of an outbuilding. Gravel roads have rustic charm, indeed. There’s something about listening to Tim Curry while driving through the countryside. Two new towns, one of which is Elko. The speed limit is 70 miles per hour. I wonder if, in Canada, the speed signs display in kilometres per hour. That’d make sense, I guess, but blimey. Did you know that Minnesota has a Turkey Council? There was a billboard.
In the unlikely event I get married, the wedding march-thing will have to be played on electric guitar like in “Charles Atlas (Reprise)”.

The Song for New Hampton

2005-07-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

7-23-05
9:52 a.m.
New Hampton, IA

Coldplay – The Scientist

Come up to meet you
Tell you I’m sorry
You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let’s go back to the start

Running in circles
Calling tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back to haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start

Plainfield and Floyd

2005-07-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

7-23-05
9:32 a.m.

There is an indescribable beauty today. I am on the interstate with Molly, Molly’s mum, Molly’s aunt, and Molly’s sisters. To the west it is overcast, but to the east the clouds all look like they’ve been sucked up by a vacuum cleaner… but I suppose that’s not a pretty enough image. They look more like they’ve been summoned upward by the will of the cherubim, so they’re all slanted toward the sun. The sun, while seeming smaller and paler than is typical, gives me warmth and light by which to write.
We are still in Iowa. The daylight is not full, but instead casts a thin beautiful luminescence over the fields of beans and corn. From the hilltops it seems as thought these fields, cast in light of chilling gorgeousity, go on forever. They look as though one could reach out, touch them, and be forced to marvel at their softness.
We pass a town called Plainfield that is tiny. Its visible components are one miniature water tower, a cemetery, a baseball diamond, and a field for American football. Typical Iowan small town. It takes us about two seconds to pass Plainfield, and we have returned to the middle of nowhere. The landscape is dotted with old white houses, huge red barns, and tall blue Harvestore silos. I think for the first time of home, because there by my computer I have a lamp shaped like a Harvestore silo.
Some people crave familiarity. I have never counted myself among those people. But I might be one.
Nashua is bigger than Plainfield, but still discernable over the treetops are the lights of the ball diamond. We are in Floyd county, and the instant my Coldplay CD finishes, I’ll listen to some Pink Floyd to celebrate.

Location

2005-07-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

Righto, chaps! I'll be in Canada for the next week. Don't worry, the Sebhar pearls of wisdom will still come... I'll be journaling, however, so they'll be delayed. Good bye, all! Keep jammin' on the low end and I'll see you on the flipside!

Before Wartburg

2005-07-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

7-22-05
4:32 p.m.

Riding in the car with Alexa’s mum and dad, Mia and Dave. Scenery speeds by like it’s got to get somewhere: power lines, fences, water towers, flora. We’re on our way to the concert put on by Wartburg College’s summer jazz band. Alexa plays saxomophone. Dan-ness is at Wartburg as well.
They caught two of the terrorists involved in the 7-7-05 subway and bus bombings. I haven’t heard from London Dan since these aforementioned bombings, and there were more the other day. I think I’ve heard from all my other British friends, though.
Some people have described roads as laying out before them like ribbons. I think that, while a nice simile, this is silly. Roads are more like tour guides; some slow, some fast, some loud, some quiet, always taking you somewhere or showing you something. The baseball field on your left, that’s the finest field this side of the Volga River, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is Our Church of the Virgin Mary.
Skies are crazy. People say the sky is blue, but I know different. I have seen red skies, purple skies, grey skies like goose feathers and skies of fiery orange. No wonder people used to believe in magic. The wonder is that we stopped believing.
Maybe that’s why people do “bad” things. They’ve stopped believing in magic because they can’t see the sky. It makes me worry about the world. What will become of those born in the generations that will never see the sky?

What is a ghetto booty?

2005-07-21T21:44:00.000-07:00

I don't understand the concept of ghetto booties.

I like talking to people, and I hope I can go to the concert tomorrow.

New favourite movie: Pink Floyd's The Wall

Older

2005-07-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

If this is what getting older is, I'm just going to stop. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. And I'm only fifteen...imagine! My midlife crisis will probably occur around twenty. Erlack.

Songs for today: "Highway Chile" by Jimi Hendrix, "Gasoline" by Seether, "Brand New Colony" by the Postal Service, "Asleep" by the Smiths, "The Freshmen" by the Verve Pipe, and "This Song Has No Title" by Elton John

Patriotism

2005-07-12T18:34:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad patriotism is popular. There used to be two American flags on my block: mine and my neighbours. Since 9-11, we've got about twenty. God Bless American Dollars. Little window stickers in the backs of cars, flagpoles, the little flags the kids were waving last night at the parade as they stuffed their faces with candy... it's all so magical (if you're a capitalist). The magnets ordering us to support our troops and the media quashing our viewpoints are SO patriotic it makes me want to...defocate, actually. Interesting how you buy that American flag to show your support of American troops and what we're really supporting is the Chinese or Japanese economy. Remember how you drove to the family gathering for Independence Day? Yeah, you drove your Hummer, your big urban assault vehicle, and they don't even have the courtesy to send you an e-mail... thanks for supporting Saudi Arabian Oil!

If you read this, it is most likely that you'll feel angry. And well you should. You might want to send me an angry message; if there's a comment box on this blog, feel free to use that or send me an email at amarcelon@hotmail.com . However, please refrain from profanity and foul language, and try to spell/capitalize/punctuate correctly or you'll be proving my point. Any emails will not be read if you don't specify in the subject what you're emailing about as I have an exclusive junk mail filter. Also, try to bear in mind that I'm a 15-year-old girl from the Midwest. Thanks.

There's no need to satisfy tonight.

2005-07-06T11:18:00.000-07:00

This weekend was awesome! Dan came over from Glidden, which is 4 hours from where I live, and spent the weekend in my dining room. We went to the Jazz Fest in Iowa City, where I was of course flooded with memories of Summer Camp at the Blank Summer Institute last summer. The pedestrian mall where we all made observations for stories, the sidewalk with all the awesome stuff printed in it, the Record Collector... I love Iowa City. Watching the Dubuque fireworks from my uncle's sailboat with Dan was beautiful; as Deep Purple would say, smoke over water and fire in the sky. Dan seemed to enjoy Moondog Music in Dubuque; if you live in that area or are going to that area, go to Moondog. What a great place! Well, I've got about eight minutes left online at the library and I want to update www.modblog.com/sebhar , if you don't mind. Ta!

Things.

2005-06-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

It's odd how things that happen to you can affect the way you think, the way you feel. Odd how a subtle alteration in a friend - an ex-boyfriend, for example - can change the way you look at people.

It's odd how thunderstorms can make you feel so exhilirated, so alive, and yet they can also kill you. I was in a thunderstorm last night, inside, and I still felt that I was getting struck by lightning.

It's odd how he could read this and have no idea I was talking about him. Dense, good-looking... *sigh*