You don't know how it feels
How the flush on my cheeks
burns inside me, too,
Every time you pass me in the street.

Each time I see you, I think
of your dick, unwelcome within me
waiting until I slept to violate
No permission
You didn't respect me enough to ask

At first, I tried to convince myself
it was only a dream
but your seed on my skin
Told a sadder story

In class, you wouldn't meet my eye
Could you not stand the pain there?
The disbelief?
That says to me, you knew what you did
was Wrong.

So now
Every time I see you,
I want to pull those stupid buds out of your ears
And scream in your face what a bastard you are
I want to tell them all what you did to me
And how it still burns inside
How scared alone violated angry hateful I was,
and still am
But I don't.

Self-Description through Facebook Groups

I don't care how comfortable Crocs are, you look like a dumbass.
I am fluent in sarcasm.
Why yes, I do frequently burst out in song.
I stay up late and don't do anything productive.
It's not my fault what you said can be misconstrued as a sexual innuendo.
I don't smoke. There are cooler ways to die.
Awkward moments define my life.
Kids who hid in department store clothing racks while their mom was shopping.
I love naps.
And WHY can't my life be a musical?
Good grammar is hot.
The word "gay" is not a synonym for "stupid".
Against gay marriage? Then don't get one and shut the fuck up.
You know you're from Wisconsin if...
Reading is sexy.
Musicians make better lovers.
Minnesoooooooooootan accents kick ass. So suck it!
If cheerleading is a sport, then by golly so is marching band!
I'm glad Pluto's no longer a planet; it makes Gustav Holst's suite complete.
All the cool kids are Irish.
Finishing Harry Potter 7 is like destroying the 7th Horcrux of my childhood.
I go out of my way to step on a leaf that is particularly crunchy.
The floor is made of lava.
99.8% of teens do drugs... join this group if you like bagels.
All of you people who sing in the shower, ROCK ON!
Cat + toast = anti-gravity.
I fucking hate the animated talking paperclip from Microsoft. Fuck you, clip!
Lecture napping appreciation society
I am an organ donor!
Rest in peace, Robert Jordan.
A group solely for German-Irish people.
I heart old movies!
Can't stand cigarette smoke smell.
FADD (Friends Against Drinking and Driving)
I like to stay up late and laugh at the most un-funny things.
If it wasn't for Facebook, I wouldn't know your birthday.
All arguments can, and should, be solved by Rock Paper Scissors.
Band geeks, choir nerds and drama dorks.
Girls who have great boyfriends who treat them right.
Give yourself over to absolute pleasure (Rocky Horror Fans)
Curling
The squirrels around my campus are insane and delightfully entertaining.
Fuck water fountains... it's called a bubbler.
Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Ewan McGregor: a very strange, enchanted boy.
Bangerang Rufio!
Eric Whitacre gives me chordgasms.
Why yes, I do frequently burst out in movie quotes!
You're not an Eskimo... don't fuckin' wear Uggs!
It's my job to keep punk rock elite.
Peace.
I can't do homework unless it's due tomorrow.
For those who love weekends!
Fuck tan people, we're pale and happy!
Someone close to me has, has died from, is beating, or has survived cancer.
I hate it when the bottoms of my pants get wet.
Create laws to control outsourcing.
I'd much rather be naked!
Did you know chapstick had directions?
David Gilmour's guitar tone: so heavenly, angels are jealous.
You know you're screwed when the paperclip from Word starts yawning.
I really hate it when people don't understand my sarcasm.
Knowledge is power: fight the genocide.
Sometimes you just gotta be like "fuck this shit".
Iowa > Iowa State.
Bass guitar players.
Detention in the dungeons: for those in love with Sexy Severus Snape.
My music addiction makes me happy.
A group for people who hate everything except for the things they like.
All problems in Congress can easily be solved with an impromptu dance-off.
I have a "this one time at band camp" story.
I walk through the grass because the sidewalks take too long.
A bald Natalie Portman is hotter than a normal Kiera Knightley.
I got a jar of dirt! I got a jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it!?
Iowa - the Hawkeye State
Appreciate your inner nerd... it makes life more fun!
I <3 International Music Camp.
I hate binary gender, like a lot.
Kane is the greatest last name.
Brown-eyed babes
How many trombone players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Getting caught in the rain...
ROWSDOWER!!!
FFFFotC (Friends, Fans, and aFiccionados of Flight of the Conchords)
Control the oil crisis!
It's great if you don't want to be a party, but don't be a twat about it.
Disney is dirty.
Seahorses: they're doing it, and they're doing it right!
I choose (RED).
I shower... NAKED!
Every time you listen to Fall Out Boy, the gods of Rock kill a kitten.
Officious seeing-eye bitches of Heritage Touring.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Bring Futurama back.
A little less treble and a lot more BASS.
I'd let Holden Caulfield catch me in the rye any day.
Duck-billed platypus association.
People who with they would take the "is" out of the status thing.
Cheese is not a junk food, it's AWESOME!!
Cough drops... JOIN THE ALLIANCE!!!
Anti-McDonalds
Please God, give me Tim Curry's legs.
I spend my summers at Belin-Blank.
Don't deny it... you totally like to look up dirty words in the dictionary!
"I see you shiver with antici---pation" (Tim Curry)
I sing along to everything. It annoys you? Well that makes it more fun!
Scissor Sisters: bring on the glitter mascara and the rainbow disco ball!
If you do the speed limit in the fast lane, move the hell outta the way.
Green olives are truly superiour to black olives.
Black coffee drinkers of the world unite!
James and Oliver Phelps from Harry Potter.
Not all vegetarians are crazy PETA members.
Target is far superiour to Wal-Mart.
Weird people make life interesting!
For those people who have ever been asked if they were drunk/stoned.
"Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney".
I can't get those damn iPod headphones to stay in my ears!
I like people who smell like laundry detergent.
Cult of the Free Thinkers
I drive a minivan and I'm still a badass.
Sympathetic people to birds who die from hang gliding.
I'm proud of my impractical major!
I enjoy rice.
Dark chocolate kicks milk chocolate's ass!
A night on the town isn't complete without Jimmy John's!
The Citizen Kane Appreciation Group
The Lying Around Club
Cover your mouth when you cought 'cause I really don't want your germs.
Back to pen and paper.
I'd wear less black but it's so much easier to do laundry!
Coates is definitely the coolest teacher at WD.
The band geeks that are going to take over the world!
Finding old photos is scary but really cool.
I think that Chandler Lauridsen is AWESOME!!!
Jimmy Pop rocks.
We employ a lofty vernacular in an ostentatious fashion... what of it?
Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" music video impacted my formative years.
Anyone notice how "Minute Maid Lemonade" rhymes?
John Entwistle... GOD/Ox.
I eat Oreos in a strange and artistic way.
I heart the fireworks that go off when you win at Spider Solitaire.
I hate when you take a bite of pizza and all the toppings fall off.
I smell sex and candy.
Allergies are my anti-drug.
Natalie Wood sucks at kissing James Dean; I can do better.
Fuck the system.
I'm perfect just theway I am, thanks!
People with last (or first) names that are also nouns.
I kick cars that drive on pedestrian walkways.
I am related to the Holkup family.
I hate the THX noise at the beginning of movies.

Hell.

"What's that book about?"
"Well, it's called I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell..."
"Oh, they do."
"Oh really?"
"It's light beer."
"Eeeeeew! *cringe*"
"It gets worse!"
"...how?"
"IT'S IN A CAN!"
"I REPENT!"

[Later]
"So, if all you can get is light beer in a can... is Iowa City actually Hell?"
"No, Ames is. There are more hicks in Ames."

...I <3 My daddy.

Home.

Home is space.
Chores, and dust.

Home is a refrigerator the size of my dorm closet.
A stove, a toaster, a dishwasher.

Home is stuff,
Boxes upon boxes,
An attic and basement.

Home is loneliness.
I'm older than these kids,
Mentally, if not physically,
And what's more, they're all at school.

"Closer" -- the Hundredth Post

This, the hundredth post.
Momentous, but not really;
After all, it's just a blog.

I said things,
(and he said things)
tonight,
that he will not remember we said
when he wakes up in the morning.

It feels good,
getting that off my chest.
I feel

Closer.

Quiz-bob from Sara

1. When is the last time you actually hung out with your top #1 on MySpace? Far too long ago.
2. What's bothering you right now? Puffy eyes, mostly.
3. Would you share a drink with a stranger? Probably not.
4. What were your plans today? Class…
5. Wallpaper on your computer's desktop? One of my own design of Worshipful Things (i.e., John Lennon, Joe Strummer, Colin Meloy, and Diet Coke, among other things).
7. Next time you will hug someone? Most likely Saturday.
8. Where was your default picture taken? Right here.
9. Do you like messages or comments better? Depends.
11. What is the last thing you ate today? Spaghettios.
12. What are you doing this weekend? Hawkeye game, then home.
14. Who was the last person to send you a text message? Mon Cassilyn.
15. If you could have two people with you right now who would they be? Ali and Dan.
16. Listening to? “If Music Could Talk” – the Clash
17. Have you ever kissed anyone named Nick/Nicole? I don’t believe so.
18. Smelling like? Many things, few of them pleasant.
19. Eating? Not at the moment.
20. Have you hit someone today? No.
21. Do you believe in a soul mate? Yes.
22. What do you wear to bed? Whatever I fall into bed wearing.
24. Do you burn easily in the sun? Yes. Hence, I remain indoors.
25. Have you ever been gambling? No.
27. What did you do last weekend? Little of consequence.
28. What/who do you miss? Dan. My innocence. Brianna.
29. What are you going to do after this? Phone, then sleep.
32. What was the last text message you sent? To Mon Cassilyn. “Oh aye.”
33. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's/brother's friend? Eep, no, they’re wee.
34. How good is your eyesight? Uncommonly good, apparently.
36. What was the last thing you drank? Diet Coke.
37. Whose house did you go to last? I think… Kaitlin’s.
38. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My mom’s mom on her deathbed.
39. Do you like someone right now? I like many people.
41. What do you wear more: shorts, slacks, jeans, or sweatpants? Jeans.
42. What have you eaten today? Burgefood, Spaghettios.
43. Name Three Drinks You Drank Today: Water, Diet Coke, cranberry juice
44. whats the closest red thing to you? My phone.
45. What is your dream phone? Um… I don’t dream about phones.
46. Ever broken a promise? Yes.
47. What have you learned recently? I’m a sexual deviant. O.o
49. Favorite shoes? Fuzzy-striped Converse high-tops.
50. Would you ever date someone who you don't know very well? Er, no?

[1.] Where was the first place you ever kissed the last person you kissed? The couch.
[2.] What's the greatest thing that happened to you today? “You’re fucking gorgeous.”
[3.] How many best friends do you have? More than I probably should.
[4.] Would you rather get up early or sleep in? Sleeeep in.
[5.] Tell me where you got each article of clothing you are wearing:
Pink Floyd pajama pants: Kohl’s
Pink Floyd Millennium t-shirt: Kohl’s
Bra: TJ Maxx
Panties: Victoria’s Secret
[6.] How many DVD's do you own? In the neighbourhood of 30.
[7.] What would you change about your life right now? Let’s not go there.
[8.] Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth? The latter.
[9.] What's on your bedroom floor right now? Bass case, clothes, shoes, book bags, lotsa stuff.
[10.] Who was the last person you got into an argument with? Peter, maybe?
[11.] Do you trust people? Not as much as I probably should.
[12.] If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to? Vancouver.
[13.] What kind of car do you drive? Submarine Machine (aka minivan)
[14.] Could you go a day without eating? I have.
[15.] How much do looks matter to you? Somewhat.
[16.] How do you feel about PDA? As a participant, I enjoy it. As an observer… there are limits.
[17.] When was the last time you had your hair cut? ‘while ago.
[18.] Would you rather be mad or sad? Neither. Let’s talk it out.
[19.] Does it take a lot to make you cry? Not remotely.
[21.] Are you tight with your mom? …now… far more than I was when I lived at home.
[23.] Do you tell your parents everything? No. They intuit a lot more than I used to give them credit for.
[24.] Would you rather be a bird or a fish? Feeshee.
[25.] Name one fear you have. Spiders.
[26.] If you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive? Walk. Slowly.
[27.] Does the thought of marriage scare you? More intimidates me.
[28.] How many kids do you want? If any… well, I’m not sure.
[29.] What's your favorite color to wear? Black. ^^
[30] Who was the last person in your room besides you? Jess and Ben are here right now.
[31.] What are you doing today? Sleeping, showering, class, wasting time.
[34.] What would you do if you found a dinosaur egg? Hope it didn’t hatch.
[35.] Do you get bored easily? Not really.
[36.] What's something that someone can do that really bothers you? Lie.
[37.] Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger? Jordan.
[38.] Do you wish you were famous? No. Rich, though… rich I wouldn’t mind.
[40.] When you're at the beach, do you swim or lay out more? Swim. I love me the ocean.
[41.] Who's the last text message you received from and what did it say? Mon Cassilyn. It involved talking more.
[42.] How do you like your steak cooked? ...Meatless.
[43.] What's your favorite song at the moment? “When I Grow Up” by Garbage
[45.] Can music affect your mood? Can it? Of course!
[46.] What piercings do you want? Tragus. Perhaps two industrials in one ear. The gauges have been contemplated.
[47.] What tattoos do you want? My safety pin.
[49.] Do you like someone? Oh aye.
[50.] Do you think there's someone for everyone? Yes, indeed.

Tuesday is Bus Poetry Day

So, it's Tuesday! I hopped on the bus to Student Health for my allergy shot.
Usually I just sit (or stand) and think about how poetic it is to ride a bus. Today I wised up; I can enter text on my phone and actually write the poems I think of! Huzzah!

Bus stop
red-brown bricks
street-smashed cans
stepped-in gum
construction across the street
some tall jerking machine
reflected in window-glass by lukewarm sunlight
a kissing couple
whether in love I cannot say
a girl in sunglasses
texting poetry to herself

Cassilyn Lends Me A Year

♥JANUARY♥
1. Who kissed you on new years? Nobody.
2. Did you have a New Year’s Resolution this year? "Don't f*** this up."
3. Does it snow where you live? Copiously.
4. Do you like hot chocolate? Yes.
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? No.

♥FEBRUARY♥
1. Who was your Valentine? Paul.
2. When you were little did you buy Valentine’s for the whole class? Naturally!
3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? Not remotely.
4. What did you recieve for Valentines Day? Chocolate and a singing flower. ^^
5. What did you give for Valentine’s Day? My love. *is poor*

♥MARCH♥
1. Are you Irish? Hardcore.
2.Do you like corned beef and cabbage? I used to love corned beef. Then I became a vegetarian. Cabbage still rocks my socks. Also potatoes and soda bread.
3. What did you do for St. Patty’s Day in 2007? Had Paul over for dinner and Cassi for movies.
4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? No, it depresses me. Snow is so pretty until it gets all cruddy like that.

♥APRIL♥
1. Do you like the rain? Often.
2. Did you play an April fool’s joke on anyone this year? Yes.
3. Do you get tons of candy for easter? Not particularly.
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? ...my friend Emily's birthday...
5. Do you love the month of april? My birthday!

♥MAY♥
1. What is your favorite flower? The black rose. I'm not emo or anything. They're just pretty.
3. Finish the phrase “April showers…”: ...don't happen often enough.
4. Do you celebrate May 16th: Nay.
5. Is May anything special to you? Nope.

♥JUNE♥
1. What year did/will you graduate from high school? 2008
2. Did you do anything fun during this Month? Presumably... o.O
3. Have a favorite baseball team? Mets! (except I don't follow baseball).

♥JULY♥
1. What did you do on the 4th of July? Watched fireworks with Paul.
2. Did you go to the fireworks? Mm, yes.
3. Did you blast the A/C all day? I can't recall.

♥AUGUST♥
1.Did you do anything special at the end of your summer? Orientation.
2. What was your favorite summer memory of ‘07? I have no idea.
3. Did you have a sunburn? No, actually.
4. Did you go to the pool a lot? For once, no.

♥SEPTEMBER♥
1. Will you be attending college/school? Yes.
2. Do you like fall better than summer? Considerably.
3. Plan on anything to happen this month? My brother's birthday... college... yeah.

♥OCTOBER♥
1. What was your last Halloween costume? Peter Carroll, then PC.
2. What is your favorite candy? Snickers... mm!
3. What did you do last halloween? Honours party, then haunted house with Becki and Laura and Jess and such!

♥NOVEMBER♥
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? Usually Gramps's or Uncle Thomas's.. but this year, our house.
2. What are you thankful for? Good company. Coffee. Diet Coke. Sleep.
3. Do you love stuffing? Often.

♥DECEMBER♥
1. Do you celebrate Christmas? Commercially.
2. Have you ever been kissed under the mistle toe? No.
3. Get anything special last year? Cell phone!
4. What do you want this year? Dan *blushes*
5. What do you love most about December? Snow.

Notes from My Phone, pt. 5

"I'm caught in a cycle of perpetual inconsistency." -- Me
Some pretty names: Rechama, Cirrus
"Tommy, don't run into Texas!" -- Sam

Notes from my Phone, pt. 4

Song: The Scarlet Tide (Live)
Artist: Elvis Costello

A little bird did sing
Man has no choice
When he wants everything

We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride.

Man goes beyond his own decision
Gets caught up in the mechanism
Of swindlers who act like kings
And brokers who break everything
The dark of night was swiftly fading
Close to the dawn of the day
Why would I want him
Just to lose him again?

We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride.

Well I recall his parting words
Must I accept his fate?
Or take myself far from this place?
I thought I heard a black bell toll
Up in the highest stone
Admit you lied and bring the boys back home

We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride

We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride

Notes from My Phone, pt. 3

Song: Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight
Artist: Amos Lee
Video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=S_9_Dhi2s1Y

Well I walked over the bridge
Into the city where I live,
And I saw my old landlord.
Well we both said hello,
There was no where else to go,'cuz his rent I couldn't afford.

Well relationships change,
Oh I think it's kinda strange,
How money makes a man grow.
Some people they claim,
If you get enough fame,
You live over the rainbow.
Over the rainbow..

But the people on the street,
Out on buses or on feet,
We all got the same blood flow.
Oh, in society,
Every dollar got a deed,
We all need a place so we can go,
And feel over the rainbow.

But sometimes,
We forget what we got,
Who we are.
Oh who are are not.
I think we gotta chance,
To make it right.
Keep it loose,
Keep it tight.
Keep it tight.

I'm in love with a girl,
Who's in love with the world,
Though I can't help but follow.
Though I know some day,
She is bound to go away,
And stay over the rainbow.
Gotta learn how to let her go.
Over the rainbow.

Sometimes we forget who we got,
Who they are.
Oh, who they are not.
There is so much more in love,
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child,
Gotta keep it tight.

Keep it loose child,
Keep it tight.
Keep it tight,
Keep it tight.

Notes from My Phone, pt. 2

Song: Spirit on the Water
Artist: Bob Dylan
Video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=i1nIxr4YUgc

Spirit on the water
Darkness on the face of the deep
I keep thinking about you baby
I can hardly sleep

I'm traveling by land
Traveling through the dawn of day
You're always on my mind
I can't stay away

I had forgotten about you
Then you turned up again
I always knew
We were meant to be more than friends

When you're near
It's just as plain as it can be
I'm wild about you, girl
You ought to be a fool about me

Can't explain
The sources of this hidden pain
You burned your way into my heart
You got the key to my brain

I've been trampling through mud
Praying to the powers above
I'm sweating blood
You got a face that begs for love

Life without you
Doesn't mean a thing to me
If I can't have you
I'll throw my love into the deep blue sea

Sometimes I wonder
Why you can't treat me right
You do good all day
And then you do wrong all night

When you're with me
I'm a thousand times happier than I could ever say
What does it matter
What price I pay?

They brag about your sugar
Brag about it all over town
Put some sugar in my bowl
I feel like laying down

I'm as pale as a ghost
Holding a blossom on a stem
You ever seen a ghost?
No, but you have heard of them

I see you there
I'm blinded by the colors I see
I'll take good care
Of what belongs to me

I hear your name
Ringing up and down the line
I'm saying it plain
These ties are strong enough to bind

Now your sweet voice
Calls out from some old familiar shrine
I've got no choice
Can't believe these things would ever fade from your mind

I could live forever
With you perfectly
You don't ever
Have to make a fuss over me

From East to West
Ever since the world began
I only mean it for the best
I want to be with you in any way that I can

I've been in a brawl
Now I'm feeling the wall
I'm going away baby
I won't be back until fall

High on the hill
You can carry all my thoughts with you
You've numbed my will
This love could tear me in two

I won't be with you in paradise
And it seems so unfair
I can't go to paradise no more
I killed a man back there

You think I'm over the hill
You think I'm past my prime
Let me see what you got
We can have a whopping good time

Notes from My Phone, Part 1

Song: Ain't Talkin'
Artist: Bob Dylan
Video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UKcZ08yV_-A

As I walked out tonight in the mystic garden
The wounded flowers were dangling from the vine
I was passing by yon cool crystal fountain
Someone hit me from behind

Ain't talking, just walking
Through this weary world of woe
Heart burning, still yearning
No one on earth would ever know

They say prayer has the power to heal
So pray for me, mother
In the human heart an evil spirit can dwell
I am trying to love my neighbor and do good unto others
But oh, mother, things ain't going well

Ain't talking, just walking
I'll burn that bridge before you can cross
Heart burning, still yearning
There'll be no mercy for you once you've lost

Now I'm all worn down by weeping
My eyes are filled with tears, my lips are dry
If I catch my opponents ever sleeping
I'll just slaughter them where they lie

Ain't talking, just walking
Through the world mysterious and vague
Heart burning, still yearning
Walking through the cities of the plague.
Well, the whole world is filled with speculation
The whole wide world which people say is round
They will tear your mind away from contemplation
They will jump on your misfortune when you're down

Ain't talking, just walking
Eating hog eyed grease in a hog eyed town.
Heart burning, still yearning
Some day you'll be glad to have me around.

They will crush you with wealth and power
Every waking moment you could crack
I'll make the most of one last extra hour
I'll avenge my father's death then I'll step back

Ain't talking, just walking
Hand me down my walking cane.
Heart burning, still yearning
Got to get you out of my miserable brain.

All my loyal and my much-loved companions
They approve of me and share my code
I practice a faith that's been long abandoned
Ain't no altars on this long and lonesome road

Ain't talking, just walking
My mule is sick, my horse is blind.
Heart burning, still yearning
Thinking about that girl I left behind.

Well, it's bright in the heavens and the wheels are flying
Fame and honor never seem to fade
The fire gone out but the light is never dying
Who says I can't get heavenly aid?

Ain't talking, just walking
Carrying a dead man's shield
Heart burning, still yearning
Walking with an ache in my heel

The suffering is unending
Every nook and cranny has its tears
I'm not playing, I'm not pretending
I'm not nursing any superfluous fears

Ain't talking, just walking
Walking ever since the other night.
Heart burning, still yearning
Walking until I'm clean out of sight.

As I walked out in the mystic garden
On a hot summer day, a hot summer lawn
Excuse me, ma'am, I beg your pardon
There's no one here, the gardener is gone

Ain't talking, just walking
Up the road, around the bend.
Heart burning, still yearning
In the last outback at the world's end.

Lecture Notes

What are the sociological implications of sex?
Courtship
Humans are naturally reticent when it comes to sexual relations
A strong attraction between two people is necessary for an intimate (sexual) relation to form
How does that relationship form?
With "people like us" - we draw the line at siblings for an unknown reason
Theodore Newcomb's Theory of Interpersonal Attraction
Propinquity increases the likelihood of communication
Communication leads to reciprocal attitude that results in increased similarity
Similarity of attitudes leads to attraction
Therefore, proximity alone can increase attraction, but only insofar as it increases communication between two individuals

Hmm... what does that mean?